|
Building Bridges:
Improving The Relationships In Your Life
Restoring A Broken Relationship
Introduction: When The Bridge Has Collapsed
During
our series on bridge building we have followed the premise that relationships
are a lot like bridges.
·
They have
to be built intentionally
·
They carry
a lot of weight
·
They are
often weakened by stress
·
They sometimes
have to be reinforced
·
They sometimes
fall down
Here in Minnesota we know the devastation
that occurs when a bridge collapses. The images of the collapsed I 35 W Bridge
litter our minds with scenes of broken concrete, twisted steel, smashed cars
and lost lives. Here in St. Cloud we know the inconvenience when a bridge
is considered unsafe to use anymore. We are now able to talk like structural
engineers as we discuss how inadequate gusset plates can lead to the collapse
of a bridge.
We
need to be equally aware of those forces that weaken the gusset plates of
our relational bridges. Relationships can break down because of
·
Neglect
·
Conflict
·
Misunderstanding
As
the relational bridge collapses beneath us we understand the devastation of
broken relationships that litter our world. There are broken relationships
wherever we look between
·
Husbands
and wives
·
Ex-husbands
and ex-wives
·
Parents
and children
·
Employers
and employees
What
is the solution? It’s one thing to rebuild a bridge over a river. It’s an
altogether different thing to rebuild the bridge over the troubled waters
of a broken relationship. Can it be done? If it can be done, how do you do
it?
Let’s
start with the bad news. These are questions every one of us needs to answer.
Each and every
one of us will experience broken relationships. It’s going to happen.
It may be your fault; it might not. It will happen, and when it does it hurts.
You may be experiencing the agony of that pain right now.
Here’s
the good news. Almost any broken relationship can be restored using one simple
but often overlooked key. We don’t talk much about this key. We don’t hear
much about it in our society. It isn’t featured on TV or in films. It’s rarely
demonstrated today. I don’t believe it has been connected to any of the candidates
hoping to become our next president.
Some
of you are thinking, “I know. The key to great relationships has to be forgiveness.”
Forgiveness is important but it’s not the key. Others of you just know that
it has to be honesty.
It’s true that you’re not going to have a great relationship without honesty,
but that’s not the key either. There’s something more essential. By now you’re
more hesitant as you wonder, “Could sensitivity be it?” Let me just say, “NO! THAT’S
NOT IT!” The quality I want to suggest to you is more important because it
is the reservoir out of which all these other important qualities flow. It’s
often misunderstood and even ridiculed as weakness.
The
Bible teaches us that the key to great relationships is humility. Peter writes
that we should clothe ourselves with humility. In God’s book you’re not dressed
for success until you are clothed with humility. There are over 150 verses
that deal with the paired qualities of pride and humility. Look at some of
the warnings about pride.
There
are six things the Lord hates. There are seven things he cannot
stand: a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that kill innocent
people, a mind that thinks up evil plans, feet that are quick
to do evil, a witness who lies, and someone who starts arguments
among families.
Proverbs 7:16-19 NCV
To
fear the LORD is to hate evil; I (wisdom) hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
Proverbs 8:13 NIV
When
pride comes, then comes disgrace… Proverbs 11:2 NIV
Pride
only breeds quarrels…
Proverbs 13:10 NIV
Pride
goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 16:18 NIV
We
could keep going but the message is clear: God hates pride.
He
values humility. Listen to Him speak to this character quality. The Bible
is full of promises of blessings for those who are humble.
Pride
leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2 NLT
He
guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
Psalm 25:9 NIV
The
LORD sustains the humble… Psalm
147:6 NIV
For
the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.
Psalm 149:4 NIV
Humility
and the fear of the LORD bring wealth and honor and life.
Proverbs 22:4 NIV
Did
you catch that? Three of the things we pursue—wealth, honor and life—are produced
by humility and fear of the Lord.
There
is one little catch. You can’t develop humility by seeking it. The more you
pursue humility; the more it will elude you. Humility is the one quality that
disappears the moment you think you have it. Humility is also a most misunderstood
character quality. Some view humility as a negative, wrongly thinking humility
says that you are worthless. That can’t be true because God would never have
allowed His Son to die for worthless people. Humility is having
a realistic view of yourself. Humility affirms your strengths and acknowledges
your weaknesses. The end result of true humility is known by loving
God and loving others.
Here
is a fact we must not miss. Satan doesn’t care if you are suffering from a
lack of humility because of overblown pride or feelings of worthlessness.
At either end of the spectrum he has you hung up on yourself, meaning you
are not going to be able to love God as he deserves to be loved or to love
people as God desires for you to love them. Humble people don’t think less
of themselves. They simply don’t think of themselves because they’re thinking
of God and how to serve Him and thinking of others and how to serve them.
That’s
why humility is the key to having great relationships. If you are going to
have healthy interactions with people you have to first have a healthy view
of yourself. We are going to take the quality of humility and apply it in
a very personal and practical way for the purpose of restoring broken relationships.
We are going to look at six steps. As we look at these steps I am going to
ask you to think about a relationship you have that needs restoring. These
six steps are actions you can take to restore a relationship. While it takes
two to accomplish the restoration, these are actions you can take. As we do
this I want to warn you that each step requires humility in increasing degrees.
Each step becomes more difficult. We are doing some serious work on character
today. We are going to move to deeper and deeper levels of humility than you
have ever known so that God will be able to bless you in ways you have never
known. One of the reasons relationships fall apart is because most people
are unwilling to do the seriously difficult work that humility requires. That’s
why the first step is…
Action Step #1: Ask for God’s Help
While
many of us may find it easy to ask for God’s help, it still requires a measure
of humility to admit that we can’t do what is needed on our own. We are trained
from birth to be self-sufficient and self-reliant. To come to God admitting
a need for help requires humility. James points to a proverb that underscores
the necessity to admit our need for help.
But
God gives us even more grace, as the Scripture says, "God is against
the proud, but he gives grace to the humble." James
4:6 NCV
If
God is against the proud, I don’t want to be on that side. Do you? Being against
God is not a good place to be.
But
God gives us grace. What is grace? Grace is the power to change. Grace is the power to heal
a relationship. Grace is the ability to
offer and receive forgiveness. Who receives grace? The humble receive
grace. The key to unlocking
the power of God in your life is humility. As long as you are filled with
pride you are going to be self-centered, defensive and rationalizing everything
that happens to you. When you humble yourself and say, “God, I need your help,”
His power is released into your life. It all begins with asking God for His
help.
Action Step # 2: Affirm Their Value
Having
asked God for His help your next step is to go to the other person to tell
them the reasons why you believe the relationship is worth saving. Let that
person know they are important. Assure them that the relationship matters
to you. Let them know you are willing to put in the necessary time and energy.
Paul writes in Romans,
Love
each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.
Romans 12:10 NLT
I
told you increasing amounts of humility would be required. Not only are we
to love the other person, we are going to take delight in honoring that person.
We can honor that person grudgingly; or we can honor with delight. There’s
a big difference, isn’t there? Paul reinforces his point in Philippians.
When
you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be
humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves. Philippians
2:3 NCV
How
do you give more honor to others than to yourself? Let me suggest two ways.
Listen To Them
When
you listen to a person you show them respect. You show honor to them by letting
them know you really care about what they are saying. Look the person in the
eye, give them your undivided attention and listen.
Validate Their Feelings
I’m
not saying you have to agree with their feelings but you can let the other
person know you understand why they feel the way they feel. To do this, here’s
what you don’t do.
·
When somebody
comes saying, “I feel so depressed,” don’t say, “You know you shouldn’t feel
depressed!”
·
If somebody
admits, “This makes me feel afraid,” don’t say, “It doesn’t help to be afraid.”
·
For the
person who says, “I’m so worried,” don’t say, “Now, worry never fixed anything.”
Those
statements don’t help at all. What should you say?
·
I understand
why you’re feeling depressed.
·
I’m sorry
you feel so afraid.
·
I see a
lot of reasons why I would be worried, too.
Listen
to them. Validate their feelings. We’re finished with the first two—the two
easiest—steps. It’s time to start increasing the pressure.
Action Step # 3: Acknowledge My Responsibility And My
Sin
I
understand you may now feel ready to run away and hide. Listen to me: you
can’t. If the other person really matters to you, you have to own your part
of the problem. You can’t build a strong, healthy relationship any other way.
If there is a relationship it isn’t your problem or my problem; it’s our problem.
As long as you are fixing blame, you’re not going to be able to fix the problem.
When you get serious about the relationship
serious
enough to accept responsibility for your part in the breakdown—the other person
will be freed to respond. Think about this: If both parties are ready, the
bridge that is being built will meet in the middle where healing can occur.
We usually apply this verse in Romans to our condition
before God.
All of us have sinned and fallen short of God's
glory. Romans 3:23 CEV
Let’s
apply this to ourselves as people. How many people have sinned? Check out
the row in which you are sitting. How many people in your row have sinned?
How many people in your section have sinned? This place is filled with sinners!
If someone asks you tomorrow what you did over the weekend, tell them you
hung out with a bunch of sinners. You are hanging out with some very vile
people right now! I can say that because this is a place where sinners hang
out and I’m the number one sinner on the list. The truth is: God didn’t design
the church to be a hotel for perfect people; He designed the church to be
a hospital for sinners. If you’re ready to grow and improve, you have come
to the right place. Congratulations!
We
don’t like to admit our pride. Listen to what C. S. Lewis wrote.
There
is one vice of which no one in the world is free, which everyone in the world
loathes when he sees it in someone else, and of which hardly anybody except
Christians ever imagine that they’re guilty of it. There is no fault which
makes a man more unpopular and there is no fault which we are more unconscious
of in ourselves. The more we have it in ourselves, the more we dislike it
in others. The vice I’m talking of is pride or self conceit. Pride leads to
every other vice. It is the complete anti-God state of mind. “I am god. I’m in charge. I know what’s best
for me.” I’m not thinking of God. I’m not thinking of other people. It is
the anti-God state of mind. Each person’s pride is in competition with everyone
else’s pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party; I’m
so annoyed at someone else who was the big noise.
We
can talk and laugh about the things pride causes us to do, but in the end
we have to hang our heads and admit that we aren’t very proud of those things.
I’m not proud of those times when pride caused me to criticize someone and
put them down—thinking it would build me up. I’m not proud of those times
when I refused to say that I was sorry because my pride wouldn’t let me. It’s
amazing how protecting my pride almost always leads to feeling ashamed.
You
can never start growing until you admit that you are a selfish person. You
don’t think naturally of other people before yourself. You’ve been selfish
from the moment you were born and cried out, “Feed me; burp me; diaper me.
Hey, make me feel better!” A big part of maturity is letting go of self by
elevating others to a place of greater importance.
Humility
is required to admit your responsibility and your sin. It is the step that
breaks relationship gridlock. It’s the step that blows apart the logjam so
the river can flow freely again. Is there anyone to whom you need to go and
ask forgiveness? There are three phrases you need to build into your vocabulary.
1.
I am sorry.
2.
I was wrong.
3.
Please forgive
me.
If
you can’t get past this one you are going to be in a selfish, walled in world
where you are king or queen—and you are miserable.
Action Step # 4: Allow Them To Be Human
To
restore a relationship with someone you have to allow them to be human. This
is a struggle. We hold other people to a higher standard than we could ever
meet. We expect more of them than we expect of ourselves. Do you know anyone
in this world who is faultless? Do you know anyone who is perfect? Do you
know anyone who has no weaknesses?
·
Why then
are we so tough on our kids when they show the slightest hint of weakness?
·
Why do we
expect perfection of our husband or wife?
·
Why do we
refuse to cut them some slack while expecting they should for us?
·
Why don’t
we allow them to be human?
This
will do more to reduce friction in your troublesome relationships than anything
else you can do. Stop expecting perfection. Stop demanding that the other
person be faultless. Let them know you know they are human. The friction will
decrease; your joy will increase. Here is how the Bible says it.
Always
be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each
other’s faults because of your love.
Ephesians 4:2 NLT
It’s
unloving to hold people to a standard that you refuse to keep yourself.
We
have come to step 5. The heat is being turned up even more. This one is definitely
going to take some humility.
Action Step # 5: Adjust To Their Needs
This
takes humility to a depth most of us aren’t willing to go. It’s one thing
to understand someone’s needs. It’s another thing to affirm their needs. It’s
still an altogether different thing to adjust to their needs. That takes massive
doses of humility. If you’re human, you
will understand what I’m going to say to you now: Most of the time I don’t
want to adjust to your needs; I want you to adjust to my needs. When I act
like this, the Bible says I have it backwards.
Don’t
look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
Philippians 2:4 NLT
Each
of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.
Romans 15:2 NIV
My
brothers and sisters, God called you to be free, but do not use your freedom
as an excuse to do what pleases your sinful self. Serve each other with love.
Galatians 5:13 NCV
These
are the steps we will take if we truly desire to restore a broken relationship—or
repair one before it breaks. We need to: Ask for God’s help; Affirm their
value; Acknowledge my responsibility; Allow them to be human; and Adjust to
their needs. With that review we are ready for the sixth and final step. This
is the one that stops us dead, cold in our tracks. This is the ultimate expression
of humility. This requires being like Jesus. I’m telling you right now that
you can’t do this one on your own. You need God’s help. If you look at life
from a human perspective only, you won’t do this. If you look at from God’s
perspective—and His promise to bless you if you do this—then, and only then,
are you going to be able to take this final step.
Action Step # 6: Abandon My Own Rights
This
final step runs so much against the flow of opinion in America that it’s almost
laughable to ask people to consider abandoning their personal rights. We may
ignore our responsibilities, but we will demand our rights. We are taught
that you have to stand up for your own rights because no one else will.
The
Bible has a great deal to say about standing up for the rights of others.
We are not to allow injustice. We are to speak up for the rights of those
who are less fortunate. But, on a personal level, the Bible teaches us to
yield our rights to God.
If
you are here today and have never made a personal commitment to follow Christ,
let me explain right up front what it means to do that. I don’t want anyone
to ever accuse us of using bait and switch tactics. When you become a Christian
you participate in an exchange. Jesus Christ gave His life by dying on the
Cross so you could have your sins forgiven, a purpose for living and an eternity
in heaven. That’s a pretty good deal.
In
return you give your life to Christ. You say, “God, I’m going to live Your
way instead of my way. I surrender everything I have for You to use as You
want. From this day forward I will no longer treat what I have as my own but
I will manage it so You will be pleased.” How far does this surrender go?
It extends to everything. It involves material possessions, emotions, desires,
time, vocation and relationships.
Consider
how important this step of surrender to God is to our interpersonal relationships.
If we think we can presume upon God and demand what we see as our right to
be honored, we will do the same thing in our relationships with other people.
At that point, life becomes all about how to get other people to do what you
want them to do for you. Why? They have to do what you want because it’s your
right. So, as everyone approaches life to get everything they deserve, we
end up with relational, head-on collisions because only one party can have
their rights satisfied. Contrast that approach with the one demonstrated by
Jesus.
Your
attitude should be the kind that was shown us by Jesus Christ, who, though
he was God, did not demand and cling to his rights as God, but laid aside
his mighty power and glory…
Philippians 2:5-7a LB
If
anyone ever had a right to claim rights it was Christ. But, He willingly set
those aside to fulfill the Father’s plan of salvation. How far was He willing
to go? Keep reading:
…taking
the disguise of a slave and becoming like men. And he humbled himself even
further, going so far as actually to die a criminal’s death on a cross.
Philippians 2:7b-8 LB
We
confess our willingness to follow the example of Christ when we take Communion.
The bread testifies of Jesus’ willingness to lay aside His mighty power and
glory. He didn’t cling to His rights. When we eat the bread we agree that
we will no longer insist on clinging to our rights. The cup testifies of His
willingness to die like a criminal to pay the price of justice for sin. When
we drink the cup we agree that His payment is the only price that covers the
penalty of sin.
Communion
Conclusion: Your Project
It’s
one thing to talk about humility; it’s another to live it. Here is a project
to help you start living it. Make a list this week of all the rights you find
yourself claiming. Just start a list “Things I Believe I Have A Right To Expect”
and as you see one write it down. What kinds of things might be on the list?
Here are some examples to help you start looking.
·
The Right To Be Appreciated
·
The Right To Be Angry
·
The Right To Be Heard
·
The Right To Be Understood
·
The Right To Get Revenge
·
The Right To Be Helped
·
The Right To Be Right
Once
you have that list, then you can present it before God in prayer saying, “Father,
I am deciding to no longer cling to what I think are my rights. Just as Jesus
did, I lay them before you and invite You to use me in any way You desire
to accomplish Your purpose in my life and the lives of others. Amen”
Let
me show you what this may mean. Marriage is not about insisting on your rights.
In fact, check out what the Bible says.
Marriage
is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve
the other…
1 Corinthians 7:4 Message
Setting
aside your rights signifies your willingness to serve the other person.
That
brings us to the conclusion of our series on Building Bridges. I trust it
has been helpful to you in improving the relationships in your life. Just
a few days ago I was waiting at a stop light when I read the message on the
back of a trailer in front of me. It said,
Life is relationships. The rest is just
details.
Don’t
get hung up on the details. Major on the relationships for which God has made
you as you love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love
your neighbor as yourself.
| 