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Building
Bridges: Improving The Relationships In Your Life
Curing Jealousy
Introduction: A Serious Virus
This
past winter was marked by a stubborn virus that has kept the
people who work in our church office and their family members
ill with various forms of strep, bronchitis, sinus and ear
infections. Just when it seemed like we were returning to
health, someone became ill and the entire cycle started over
again. We share many good things in the office but this hasn’t
been one of them. We need to talk about a different kind of
virus this morning.
The best way to introduce you to this
virus is to show you the camera I recently purchased. It’s
a digital SLR with two amazing lenses that I found recently
on the bargain shelf at our local warehouse club for $74.90.
While people seemed happy for my good fortune it was also
clear that many wished they had been the one to find this
great deal.
As
we continue in our series on Building Bridges we are looking
this morning at the deadly relational virus of jealousy. Jealousy
can ruin relationships quickly and ruthlessly. It rips relationships
apart. Let me provide us with a working definition.
Jealousy
is resenting God’s goodness in other’s lives and ignoring
God’s goodness in my own life.
We
are going to look first at the problems caused by jealousy
and then we will look at the Biblical cure for jealousy.
The Problems
With Jealousy
Jealousy
destroys relationships in three ways.
Jealousy Causes Conflict
When we lived
in the San Francisco Bay Area—and even now when we go back
for visits—one of our favorite spots to go is Pier 39 near
Fisherman’s Wharf. While the primary purpose of this attraction
is to separate visitors from their money, it is a free attraction
that draws us there. As part of the development, docks were
built to provide much needed and very expensive slips for
private yachts and sailboats. The problem is that the docks
were soon taken over by hundreds of sea lions who sleep there
in the sun. At first they tried to drive the invaders away—until
they saw the thousands of people who were coming every day
to watch these entertainers play their inevitable game of
king of the dock. It was never long before one sea lion decided,
for whatever reason, to take on another one trying to push
that sea lion off the dock and take its place. Once the foe
was vanquished, the winning sea lion would loudly proclaim
its victory.
For
those of us who played King of the Hill as kids, we understand
the thrill of being number one—standing at the top of the
hill with everyone else vanquished. We still play the game
as adults in far more subtle and sophisticated ways. There
is a pecking order established by the cars we drive and the
clothes we wear. Why else would anyone ever need a $20,000
watch to do the job performed flawlessly by a $20 Timex?
The Bible points to the problem.
You
want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it.
You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it,
so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.
James 4:2 NLT
A
large part of American culture is built on jealousy. There
is a distinct, built in bias designed to cause you to want
what you don’t have. Another word for this is competition.
We are trained from the moment we enter school to aspire to
the top spot. The only problem is that only one person can
be King of the Hill. Therefore, if you want that spot at the
top, you have to push someone else off. It’s great entertainment
when watching the sea lions play their game, but the interpersonal
conflicts caused by jealousy can be very destructive.
Jealousy Destroys Happiness
I
have a premise I want to present for your consideration: It
is impossible to be truly happy and jealous at the same time.
Jealousy is, in fact, a most miserable emotion. It is said
that confession is good for the soul. Based on that, I need
to tell you that I can become jealous.
It often strikes
when I’m boarding an airplane. It’s disturbing how they always
allow those people sitting in first class to board first.
They get settled in their plush seats and are served a beverage
so the rest of us can see the splendor in which they will
travel as we make our way to the cheap seats in the back.
I know I should be happy that I’m going on vacation, but it
troubles me that those people are treated so well—and I’m
not!
Then, there was the day when the roles
were reversed. Many years ago when our kids were young we
were traveling to the northeast from the Bay Area. A senior
flight attendant who attended our church arranged complimentary
upgrades to first class for all of us. When we walked on the
plane and started to sit in our first class seats Andy urgently
reminded me, “Dad, we can’t sit here. It’s first class.” I
assured him we could—and then sat there rather smugly as the
other passengers passed by on their way back to oblivion.
I found out that day there were really good reasons to be
jealous of those people who are accustomed to traveling in
first class. While I should have been happy to enjoy the treat,
I became preoccupied with trying to figure out how we could
travel more often in first class. Because the only way I can
do this involves paying large amounts of money, I have resigned
myself to being a part of the inevitable parade of passengers
passing through first class on the way to the back of the
plane.
Listen
to what God says to me.
A
peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like
cancer in the bones.
Proverbs 14:30 NLT
Does
God speak to you at all with those words? Jealousy eats you
up as you wonder:
·
Why are they so lucky?
·
Why does he get all the breaks?
·
Why does she get to look so great?
Jealousy
causes us to question fairness, promotes self-pity and makes
us unhappy.
Jealousy Leads To Other Sins
Can
jealousy lead a person to lie? Can jealousy cause a person
to steal? Can jealousy make a person desperate enough to murder?
The answer to all of these questions is yes. The Bible is
filled with illustrations of how devastating jealousy is.
Jealousy caused…
·
Cain to kill Abel
·
Joseph to be sold into slavery by his brothers
·
King Saul to try to eliminate David
In
fact the Bible clearly shows how deeply Saul was affected
by jealousy. Following David’s victory over Goliath, Saul
was met at each town by women who were dancing and singing…
Saul
has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.
1 Samuel 18:7 NIV
Jealousy
was involved in the crucifixion of Jesus. Pilate knew that
and tried to prevent the crucifixion by offering a choice
of prisoners he would release.
Pilate
asked them, "Do you want me to free the king of the Jews?"
Pilate knew that the chief priests had brought Jesus to him
because they were jealous.
Mark 15:9-10 CEV
James
is clearly on the money when he writes,
Where
jealousy and selfishness are, there will be confusion and
every kind of evil.
James 3:16 NCV
Look
at the sins Paul includes among the acts of the sinful nature.
When
you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results
are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures,
idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts
of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness,
wild parties, and other sins like these.
Galatians 5:19-21 NLT
Most
of us would never become involved in sexual immorality, idolatry
or sorcery, but we allow jealousy in our hearts all the time.
God says jealousy is in the same league with these other sins.
It isn’t some minor inconvenience or petty nuisance. It is
a cancer that consumes.
The Cure
For Jealousy
An All Important Starting Point
With
the dangers of jealousy so clearly defined by the Bible and
illustrated in our own lives, what can we do? I am going to
present you with a five-fold cure for jealousy. But, there
is one preliminary step that must be taken to make the cure
available. For the cure to take, you have to admit you have
a problem with jealousy. Here is what is interesting to me
about the sin of jealousy. You and I are willing to admit
to almost any other sin before we will admit to jealousy.
I’ll admit to becoming angry in the wrong way. I’ll admit
that I fear and fail to trust God. Most of us will try anything
we can to avoid admitting to jealousy. Why? Well, admitting
to jealousy reveals the pettiness that dwells in my heart,
desiring either what someone else has or hoping (how perverse
is this?) that they will lose what they have so I can come
out better when I compare myself to them. Look at another
point made by James.
But
if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition
in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and
lying.
James 3:14 NLT
·
top denying jealousy
·
Stop excusing jealousy
·
Stop justifying jealousy
·
Stop minimizing jealousy
This
is not some little problem. My starting point this morning
before looking at five curative steps is to beg you to ask
yourself, “What causes me to be jealous?”
·
Is it someone’s possessions?
·
Is it someone’s position?
·
Is it someone’s privileges?
·
Is it someone’s popularity?
·
Is it someone’s power?
Oh,
we can be jealous!
·
Why can’t I look like him/her? (Why did I get stuck with this body?)
·
Why do they have such great jobs? (Why are we such losers?)
·
Why do they have so many incredible things? (Why can’t I ever catch
a break?)
Is
there any place at all where you admit to jealousy? Until
we own up to it, admit that we have been jealous and agree
that there are people right now we’re jealous of… Well, we’re
not ready for the cure because we will never go to the doctor
until we admit there is a problem.
“Lord, I confess my jealousy to you. In fact, this morning I’m feeling pretty
jealous about… I give my jealousy to you so I can be ready
to embrace Your five-step cure.”
Step 1: Recognize My Uniqueness
You
are one of a kind. God made you unique. There is no one else
like you. Turn to someone and tell them, “You are one of a
kind!” God intentionally made you—you! You may not like it.
You may not understand it. God made you like you are for a
reason. He designed the way you look and the way you think.
He gave you some talents and He chose to not give you other
talents (no matter how much you might wish He had). God was
involved from the beginning in making you the person you are.
You
made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in
my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how
well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together
in the dark of the womb.
Psalm 139:13-15 NLT
The
root cause of all jealousy is insecurity. When I’m jealous
of someone else it’s because I’m not secure in who I am. God
says, “You don’t need to worry about insecurity. I made you
unique and special.” Listen: God gave you designer genes!
You were a prescription baby—ordered up by God. It’s puzzling
that God starts us each out as unique and then we spend much
of our time and energy trying to become carbon copies. When
you genuinely understand just how unique you are, jealousy
becomes a non-issue. It doesn’t matter anymore.
Step 2: Resist Comparing Myself To Others
Have
any of you ever compared yourself to someone else? When you
do compare yourself, do you come out feeling better or worse
about yourself? Most of us like to come out looking better,
but sometimes… Whatever the motivation, we need to resist
comparing ourselves to others. Paul wrote,
Pay
careful attention to your own work, for then you will get
the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to
compare yourself to anyone else. Galatians
6:4 NLT
There
is a legitimate sense of satisfaction that comes from knowing
you are fulfilling God’s purpose for your life. If you’re
doing that, is there anything else that really matters?
One
of the biggest causes of jealousy is comparing. From the time
we start school we are making comparisons about grades, clothes,
friends and so on. It continues as we move into adulthood
with jobs, cars, and houses. What I’m challenging us to do
this morning runs counter to our culture. Don’t compare! When you compare yourself to someone else it’s
like comparing a submarine to a tangerine. They sound alike
but they are nothing alike. Making comparisons brings you
to one of two guaranteed ends. If you find someone doing better
than you are, you are going to become discouraged. If you
find you’re doing better, you are going to be filled with
pride. Either end is a dead end. Be who God made you to be
and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.
Step 3: Rejoice In What I Have
God
provides us with blessings for which we are to be grateful.
Your blessings may not be my blessings and my blessings may
not be your blessings, but where we are each blessed, we are
to rejoice in what God has done. The writer of Ecclesiastes
advised,
It's
better to enjoy what we have than to always want something
else, because that makes no more sense than chasing the wind. Ecclesiastes
6:9 CEV
Paul
wrote,
Be
thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for
you who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 NLT
Gratitude
is the great anti-viral medicine. As I increase my thanksgiving
for what I have, jealous desires for what I don’t have will
decrease.
Here
is a helpful insight: Jealousy is driven by imagination. Jealousy
puts imagination into overdrive. We look at someone else and
imagine that life is absolutely phenomenal for them. It’s
not long until we think we want to have their life and not
much longer before we are convinced that we deserve their
life.
Let
me remind you of a fact of life: Nothing is ever as good as
it appears. The life you are imagining they have is far from
reality. They would probably like to have the life you are
imagining. This isn’t heaven. Life isn’t perfect for anybody.
There are unseen problems and difficulties in every life and
every home. We need to stop imagining and stop wishing and
start rejoicing.
That
means I will rejoice for how God has blessed me. It also means
I will rejoice for how God blesses you. The Bible says,
Rejoice
with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Romans 12:15 NIV
The
reality is that it’s often easier to mourn with those who
mourn that it is to rejoice with those who rejoice.
One of my favorite moments on television
is when it comes down to the two finalists in a contest where
there is only one winner. It doesn’t matter if it’s Miss America
being crowned or the winner of one million dollars on Survivor
or your next American Idol. When the announcement is made
there is one person who comes out as King of the Hill and
one who lands with a thud. I like to watch the reaction of
the person who suddenly realizes, “I’m number two.” While
there is disappointment, I’m really impressed that some of
the runner-ups genuinely rejoice in the success of the other
person.
If
I’m jealous, however, I will weep when the other person rejoices
and rejoice when they weep. If they have come out ahead; I
come out behind, and if they come out behind; I come out ahead.
Let’s face it: we have a hard time handling the success of
other people.
·
You were hoping for the promotion but the other person received
it. Rejoice with them.
·
You are struggling with infertility and find out your friends are
going to have a baby. Rejoice with them.
·
You are trying to sell your house so you can buy the one you want.
Someone you know puts their house up for sale and it sells
before the sign can be put in the yard—for over the asking
price. Rejoice with them.
Reality
says you have one of two choices: You can rejoice or you can
resent. It’s much better—and you will be far happier—by training
yourself to rejoice.
Step 4: Relax In God’s Sovereignty
Jealousy,
at its emotional center, is an expression of a lack of trust
in God. Jealousy says, “God, You didn’t do for me what You
did for that other person. You must love them more than You
love me. Maybe You don’t even really love me.” When I’m jealous,
I doubt God’s love for me and I question His authority to
do what He considers best for me. That’s what makes this a
serious sin. Jealousy is my refusal to surrender completely
to God’s authority over my life. To overcome jealousy we need
to remind ourselves regularly of three great truths.
1st Truth: God is in
control
You
are not in charge. No other person is in charge. The Bible
says God planned our lives from day 1.
2nd Truth: God is always
loving and fair
Life
may not always be fair, but God is. He forgave you completely
through the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross. Other people
may not always love you, but God does. Nothing can separate
us from the love of God. God acts
according
to His nature. It is impossible for Him to act in any way
that would be unloving or unfair. If He did, He would cease
to be God.
3rd Truth: God knows
what’s best for me
Saying
God knows what is best for me means admitting that I don’t.
While I may not like what is going on in my life, God has
a purpose. Do you remember how Jesus restored Peter to fellowship
and ministry on the shore of the Sea of Galilee after the
Resurrection? In John 21 Jesus explains some of the events
that will occur in Peter’s life—including how he will die—so
Peter will be ready the next time he might be tempted to avoid
short-term suffering that leads to eternal blessing. Peter
squirms under the pressure. He looks and sees John standing
nearby and asks Jesus, “What about him?” Jesus says,
"If
I want him to live until I come back, that is not your business.
You follow me."
John 21:22 NCV
It
doesn’t do any good to wish you were someone else. You are
who you are by the grace of God. Wishing you were someone
else short-circuits God’s plan for you, a plan which is much
grander than what that other person enjoys. Relax in God’s
sovereignty, love, fairness, faithfulness and wisdom. Realize
that He knows what He is doing far better than you do.
Step 5: Refocus On God’s Plan
For Me
It’s
a struggle to take your eyes off other people and focus solely
on what God seeks to do in your life and accomplish for His
kingdom through you. It’s easy to look around and find people
who are more successful. If we give in to jealousy and pursue
what we want, we are likely to miss God’s significantly better
plan for our lives. God
may want to do some things you cannot even imagine He wants
to do. But if you get off track by becoming jealous and start
trying to be somebody else, you’re going to miss it. And,
you’re going to miss the blessing that God has attached to
your unique plan.
I’m
begging you this morning. You may need to invite God to do
some serious work in your life to vanquish the monster of
jealousy. God’s desire is that you would let your light shine
where you are and stop trying to extinguish other lights so
your light will look brighter. I’m inviting you to become
so focused on God’s unique plan for your life that you won’t
have time to be jealous or to worry whether or not somebody
else is getting what you think is a better deal. Your sole
desire is to become the person God made you to be.
Conclusion: Take Your Antiviral
Medication
Are
you experiencing any of the symptoms associated with the virus
of jealousy? Is there someone of whom you are jealous? Do
you wish your life was more like someone you know? Jealousy
is a cancer that will eat you alive.
What
should you do about the virus? You need to take your antiviral
medication. It comes in the form of a prayer. The prayer was
first offered by David when he wrote Psalm 119 as a celebration
of God’s Word. Here is the prayer as it’s printed in your
outline for your use in the coming days.
Help
me to prefer obedience to making money! Turn me away from
wanting any other plan than yours. Revive my heart toward
you. Reassure me that your promises are for me, for I trust
and revere you.
Psalm 119:36-38 LB
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