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Building
Bridges: Improving The Relationships In Your Life
Cutting To The Core Of The Problem
Introduction: Start With The Right Question
For
the past six weeks we have been studying how to build bridges
to the people God has placed in our lives. On this Mother’s
Day we are ready to cut to the core of our problems in building
solid, healthy relationships with people. By way of review
there are three verses that form the foundation of this series.
Jesus
replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the
first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it:
'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
Matthew 22:37-39 NIV
We
know how important it is to love God, but we may not understand
how important the last phrase, “Love your neighbor as yourself,”
is. That phrase appears not once, twice, or even three, four,
five or six times in the Bible; it occurs nine times. This
is God putting into capital letters what matters to Him…RELATIONSHIPS.
·
God
created you for a relationship
·
Jesus
came to earth to make a relationship possible
·
The
Holy Spirit makes it possible for you to have relationships
with others
Relationships
are more important than any other aspect of life. They are
more important than money, success, pleasure or fame. In fact,
the Bible says you can be a success in every other area of
life and if you fail on relationships, you fail. Paul wrote,
The
entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your
neighbor as yourself."
Galatians 5:14 NIV
After
listing an incredible set of abilities, Paul also wrote
If
I have not love, I am nothing. 1
Corinthians 13:2 NIV
The
other things matter but they don’t matter the most and without
love they don’t matter at all.
That’s
why it’s imperative that we start with the right question.
We all like to think we’re great at loving people. How do
you know if you’re good at loving others? It’s simple. All
you have to do is ask the right question, “Does anybody feel
loved by me?” We don’t usually ask that question. Instead
we ask, “Does anybody love me?” We spend huge amounts of time
and effort trying to get people to love us, respect us and
to meet our needs. God says, “Wait, you’ve got it all backwards. What you should be focused
on is making sure other people experience love because of
you.”
We
have seen to this point that relationships
will never be perfect. They are difficult. We are sinners.
They will never be perfect. But, what we need to do is cut
to the core of the problem so each of us can do all we can
to make them the best we can. To do this we have to cut to
the core of the problem. Paul defines the problem for us.
The
sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite
of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires
that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These
two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are
not free to carry out your good intentions.
Galatians 5:17 NLT
As
we move toward the core of the problem you find there are
the two natures at war in you. The sinful nature wants to
do evil. The Spirit desires good. Because these two forces
are constantly fighting each other you aren’t free to carry
out your good intentions. The tension is always present.
Acknowledging
this tension brings us to the core of the problem. When you
boil it down at the core of relationship problems is self-centeredness—or
the opposite of loving others as you love yourself. James
wrote,
Do
you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come
from the selfish desires that war within you. You want things,
but you do not have them. So you are ready to kill and are
jealous of other people, but you still cannot get what you
want. So you argue and fight. You do not get what you want,
because you do not ask God. James 4:1-2 NCV
Great
relationships start within you with a major realignment of
attitudes and motivations.
Self-centeredness
stains everything we do. Even when we’re doing good things
we struggle with it thinking, “I’m such a great servant. These
people are so fortunate to have me. I am so unselfish. What
would they do without me?” We have to be careful or we’ll
choke on our humility.
Every
area of life is stained by self-centeredness. It’s not my
nature to think of you and it’s not your nature to think of
me. Not one of you stayed up late last week worrying about
my problems. Not one of you found yourselves wondering during
the day, “How can I meet his needs?” You weren’t thinking
about my needs—and I wasn’t really thinking too much about
yours. It’s not in our natures to think about them. I am really
pretty self-centered—and so are you. If you don’t think that,
you’re only kidding yourself. You and I think more about ourselves
than any other thing.
·
How
do I look?
·
Did
they understand me?
·
Am
I going to be included?
·
Did
I do the right thing?
These
are the things we think about. Even people who love you usually
think about themselves first. If not, we wouldn’t have disagreements
and arguments.
The
Bible is very clear about how selfishness works.
When
you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results
are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures,
idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts
of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness,
wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again,
as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will
not inherit the Kingdom of God.
Galatians 5:19-21 NLT
These
are expressions of self-centeredness—expressions that are
highly destructive. It destroys homes. It destroys marriages
and families. It destroys children. It destroys friendships
that may be decades long. It destroys churches. It destroys
communities. It even destroys nations. Much of the destructive
slide that has occurred in our country can be traced back
to self-centeredness as there is only one question that matters,
“What’s in it for me?”
This
is why the Bible counsels us about the wisdom of loving one
another and the destruction that occurs when we don’t.
For
the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love
your neighbor as yourself.” But if you are always biting and
devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one
another. So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then
you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.
Galatians 5:14-16 NLT
If
you get nothing else today, please get this: The primary task
of interpersonal relationships is learning to be unselfish.
Jesus is the ultimate example of selflessness. Jesus gave
Himself sacrificially—unselfishly. We are to be like Jesus.
When
I think of human examples of selflessness the one family role
I think of is mothers. Mothers are the picture of selflessness.
So much of what mothers do is focused on taking care of others.
They often do so to their own detriment. They don’t care what
happens to them. The one thing they care about is what is
happening to the people they love. The tough, determined,
disciplined apostle Paul knew there were times he needed to
be like a mother. Listen to what he wrote to the Thessalonians.
We
were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone
else. As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to
you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for
her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted
to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives
as well, because you had become so dear to us.
1 Thessalonians 2:6-8 NIV
With
two natures at war within us, how do we do this? How do I
become less selfish and more other centered? Before we consider
how, stop for a moment to look at what doesn’t work—trying
harder. We know intuitively that trying harder doesn’t work.
I’m just going to have to try harder to love people more.
People sing about it: “Come on’ people now! Smile on your
brother. Everybody get together. Try to love one another right
now!” We are told we need to get on the love train and to
try a little kindness, but we’ve already tried that and found
out that it comes up short.
The
problem runs much deeper than trying harder. We need some
serious spiritual surgery. So, let’s get at it.
If I Want To Become More Other Centered I Have To Face
Up To My Sinful Nature
This
is the starting point. I need to freely and fully admit just
how selfish I am most of the time. Selfishness is so natural
to me I don’t even notice it most of the time. The Bible tells
us we have to own up to our own sinful natures. The apostle
John wrote,
If
we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and
not living in the truth.
1 John 1:8 NLT
You
don’t fool God. You don’t fool other people. They know you’re
not perfect. The only person you have any chance of fooling
is yourself. You live in a self-imposed deception if you refuse
to acknowledge your self-centeredness. Even the good things
you do have personal motivation behind them.
If
you desire better, deeper relationships with others you have
to ask God for a clear view of your self-centeredness. Ask
Him, “God, show me this week how self-centered I am. Help
me to see it like I never have before.” David put this into
a great prayer.
Search
me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious
thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the
path of everlasting life.
Psalm 139:23-24 NLT
Let
me take my suggested prayer and make it a bit more pointed.
This week pray, “God, show me this week how much I think about
me. Help to see how me-centered I really am.” The first step
in becoming more other-centered is to face up to how me-centered
I am. It’s painful, but hopefully not so painful that you
decide not to take the next step.
If I Want To Become More Other Centered I Have To Face
Up To My Disappointments In Life
What does this have to do with self-centeredness?
Everything. You can never deal with self-centeredness without
dealing with disappointments. Jesus is clear, consistent and
truthful in dealing with us. He never sugarcoated reality.
We need to hear Him when He tells us we live in an imperfect
world. He said,
I
have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here
on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart,
because I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 NLT
He
didn’t say you might have trials and sorrows. He said that
you will. He never said life is fair. It isn’t. He could have
just as easily said, “In this life, you will have disappointments.”
I
want to challenge you to get gut-level honest today with the
disappointments you have faced in life. This is the way to
grow. You have to face it to benefit from it. I think we are
often afraid of disappointments. Life isn’t what you expected
to be. Then, you don’t know what to do with the disappointment.
I don’t know of any event that sets us up for more
disappointment than a wedding. The expectations and attitudes
are often so unrealistic. This fairy tale event is planned.
Think of the effort and money expended as people brim with
expectations. Then, the bridal shop owner closes the store
with your wedding dress inside. When the bridal shop in Cold
Spring closed a few days ago, the police chief found out just
how me-centered brides can be. He said they aren’t a group
you want to have upset at you. Everything was supposed to
be just perfect on that day because it’s your day and everyone
else in the world wants your day to be the perfect day. Don’t
they?
Even
if the day does go as planned, it doesn’t guarantee a life
of wedded bliss. Some of you this morning are disappointed
in your husband or wife. You haven’t wanted to face that fact,
but you are disappointed—profoundly disappointed. Some of
you are disappointed with a child who didn’t turn out like
you thought. They aren’t perfect, they don’t act like it or
look like it and they don’t really care. They’re not at the
top of their class or captain of the team or president of
the student body. All you ever wanted to do was to put that
bumper sticker on your car that says, “I am the parent of
the perfect child—because I raised them so well.” But, your
child refuses to cooperate.
It
doesn’t really matter what the disappointment is, you need
to face it. Some of you may be disappointed with parents who
are just so old fashioned. You wonder why they can’t be cool
like your friend’s parents. Some of you have been disappointed
by friends—at least you thought they were friends.
There
are at least two important reasons why you need to face up
to your disappointments.
1. When
you face up to your disappointment, you discover the root
of it
The
root of disappointment is expecting other people to meet a
need that only God can meet. No other person can meet all
your needs. If you expect them, you are going to be disappointed
by them and grow to resent them thinking, “How dare you fail
to meet my needs!” There it is again—self-centeredness. I
deserve better. I certainly deserve better than you. Disappointment
screams, “You let me down.” It never says, “I’m thinking about
your needs. That’s all that matters to me.”
2. Until
you deal with your disappointment, you will use it as an excuse
for your own selfishness
Because
we’re hurt or disappointed we feel like we have a free pass
to justify ourselves. “I can do this because you hurt me.
The world owes it to me.” If you approach life like this you
will always make sure the scale is tilted to your advantage.
The other person will never be able to do enough to equal
it out.
You
can protest, “But you don’t know how much I’ve been hurt.”
You’re right; I don’t. But, God does. Jesus sees your situation
and He knows your pain. That never justifies self-centeredness.
Never! Please understand: I’m not minimizing your pain or
belittling your feelings. You have been hurt deeply. I’m sorry.
I really am. There is an issue that runs far deeper and is
much more serious. The issue is your pain driving you toward
self-centeredness. Jesus wants to help you with the pain.
He wants you to give it to Him—to give it all to Him. When
you do, you will be able to forgive that other person.
We
have seen so far that we need to face our sinful nature and
own our disappointments. Next, we need to shift our focus.
We need to shift our focus in at least two ways—and this first
one is going to sound very self-centered—at first.
If I Want To Become More Other Centered I Have To Focus
More On Heaven
This
sounds like escapism at first. It isn’t. How can I say that?
Here’s how. Self-centeredness
is always rooted in here and now thinking. When
I think that life as I know it now and what happens to me
is all that matters, I want to make sure it all balances out
for me before the end comes. If this is it, I want to make
sure I get everything that’s coming to me. If there is no
heaven and if there is no hell, then there are no consequences.
Get it all, have it all, enjoy it all. Be selfish. Take advantage
of people. Do unto others before they do unto you!
If
there is a heaven and hell, however, that changes everything.
If I remember that God is preparing an eternal home for me,
if I remember that God promises to reward me for loving Him
and serving others, if I remember these things, I will live
differently. The award I long for doesn’t seem like that big
a deal anymore
when
compared to heaven. My self-worth is no longer tied to those
kinds of things. What matters is what God thinks of me because
that matters for eternity.
People, it’s time to wake-up and live like there’s more
to life than the here and now. When we live like this is all
that matters, we are going to be very selfish. When I live
for the hope of heaven it completely changes my perspective.
Life
is tough. It is. Have you ever wondered why? Why didn’t God
make it easier? God has placed in our hearts the longing for
a perfect place—Heaven. If life were perfect here, we wouldn’t
want to leave. This is earth. It isn’t perfect. It never will
be—no matter how many election promises are made. We were
made for something more than this world. We long for immortality.
We were made for heaven. Once again, Paul expresses this desire
best.
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see
now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.
For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things
we cannot see will last forever. For we know that when this
earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die
and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven,
an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human
hands. 2
Corinthians 4:18-5:1 NLT
Living with the expectation of heaven is
the best antidote to self-centeredness.
If I Want To Become More Other Centered I Have To Focus
More On God’s Grace To Me
When
we finally face our own sinfulness and realize the depth of
disappointment, we become susceptible to discouragement followed
by depression. Don’t allow your sin and disappointment to
depress you. Let it drive you to the grace of God—the magnificent
and astounding grace of God. This is a bad news/great news
kind of deal. Bad
News: Everything you do is stained by sin. Great News: Everything
you do is forgiven by God. Rather than being pulled
down by the reality of my selfishness, I can rejoice in the
greatness of God. Bad News: I’m continually blowing it. Great
News: God is always forgiving me.
David
understood the great news of God’s forgiving grace. After
he was confronted with his sin of adultery with Bathsheba
followed by the murder of her husband Uriah, he wrote:
Have
mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing
love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of
my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
Psalm 51:1-2 NLT
Paul
expressed the wonder of God’s grace when he wrote:
You
were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature
was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ,
for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the
charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross.
Colossians 2:13-14 NLT
God
did all of this for us because of His grace. Focus more on
the great news of His grace instead of the bad news of your
sinfulness.
If I Want To Become More Other Centered I Have To Follow
The Spirit’s Leading
I
trust you haven’t forgotten the verse I mentioned earlier.
So
I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t
be doing what your sinful nature craves.
Galatians 4:16 NLT
It doesn’t say you won’t have the cravings.
You will have those the rest of your life. It doesn’t
say you won’t be tempted. You will. What it does say is, “You won’t be doing what your sinful
nature craves!” That’s incredible. Never being
tempted is nothing; overcoming temptation is everything. The
Spirit of God gives you the power to say no to sinful selfishness.
Listen
again to Paul as he instructs the young preacher Titus.
For
the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all
men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and
worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and
godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed
hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus
Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness
and to purify for himself a people that are his very own,
eager to do what is good.
Titus 2:11-14 NIV
God
is at work to purify you so you can say no to sin and yes
to His Spirit. Then you will be able to display the
fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
There is no selfishness in this list. It is completely
other centered.
Conclusion: How?
How can we live like this? We can’t. It is Christ living in us. We don’t do it
for Him. He does it in us. You don’t do it by trying harder;
you do it by giving up. You don’t do it by living for Him;
you do it by dying with Him.
Those
who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires
of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.
Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s
leading in every part of our lives.
Galatians 5:24-25 NLT
To
escape our self-centeredness there may be some crucifixions
that need to take place today. Let’s pray.
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