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Building Bridges: Improving The Relationships In Your Life
Building Bridges To Your Family 

Introduction: Bridging The Most Important Gaps

In this series on Building Bridges we have examined many important qualities, characteristics and attitudes that are needed to build bridges with those with whom we have relationships. Much of our focus has been on building bridges to our friends, neighbors, coworkers and classmates. Today we are going to talk about building bridges in your family. A few weeks ago we focused on the relationship between a husband and wife. We expand that out this morning to the larger context of family. For some of us that may not be very large. This past Christmas we had 7 family members at our house. That is the largest family gathering we have ever had for Christmas. That’s why my head feels like exploding when people start talking about having 30, 40, 50 or more people at their Christmas celebration.

When I connect those large family gatherings with this series all I can think is, “That’s a lot of possible bridges to build.” At the top of your outline there is place to fill in a name for someone to whom you feel a bridge needs to be built.

·         It may be a teenager who has just moved out

·         It may be a parent who is getting older and you have to figure out what to do

·         It may be a brother or sister

·         It may be a spouse where you are starting to feel some distance

I want us to think about family members. This will be a family member where you know you’re chained together because you’re family but your relationship is like the first down markers used in football—you’re always 10 yards apart.

Take a minute to identify that person. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad relationship. It could be a good relationship where there is something very specific you would like to bridge. If they are nearby you may have to use a code, but you need to write a name down so you have a person in mind as we work through our study today. It will help you to make sense out of the sermon and it will give you a place to put some of the principles into action. If you have a name, you’ve made the start on the way to building the bridge God has in mind for you.

As we discuss building this bridge there are two gaps we talk about bridging. The first gap is the one separating bad and good. How do you bridge that gap? The second gap is the one between good and great. Things are going fine but you don’t want to settle for fine. The truth is we all live with this huge and frustrating gap between the ideal and the real. We have dreams about the ways things should be and the way they really are. For example:

In the ideal world we eat dinner around the table every night.

            In the real world we eat in the minivan between baseball and soccer.

In the ideal world we read a chapter of one of the classics with our kids every night.

            In the real world we watch another episode of Hannah Montana.

In the ideal world Barbara Walters interviews Nobel Prize Winners.

In the real world she deals with stories about Anna Nicole Smith and Brittney “Oops, I Did It Again” Spears (This has no real connection to the sermon, but thanks for letting me share my frustration!)

In the ideal world kids grow up, leave the nest and soar.

            In the real world they come back to live at home again.

In the ideal world every family is like the Cleavers.

            In the real world they look a lot more like the Simpsons—D’oh!

Thankfully, there is help. The Bible tells us the ideal way to communicate with one another.

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.                                                                         Ephesians 4:32 NLT

This is important because in the real world we hear things said to one another that don’t match the ideal.

·         You’ll never amount to anything

·         You’re worthless

·         I’m sorry I married you

·         We never should have had kids

There is a frustrating—and far too often devastating—gap between the ideal and the real.

How do you bridge that huge gap between what we really want in our relationships and what sometimes happens?  You do it one step at a time—one little step at a time. One step at a time can make all the difference. Have you discovered that you don’t have to reach the ideal to feel more joy and less frustration in your life? If you can make just one step in the right direction, you feel like you’re growing. Maturity is living with the fact that the ideal and the real are different. Living in the real world and keeping the dream of the ideal alive is maturity. 

We’re going to talk today about how to get started.  We’re going to look at four practical tips to start building a bridge—specifically with that one person you have identified. 

Do you want to make a bad relationship better? Do you want to make a good relationship great? Yes? Let’s get going then.

Bridge Building Tip # 1: Make It Your Top Priority

I always struggle with those quizzes in magazines where they want you to identify your priorities. You know the ones I’m talking about. You and a friend are in a raft hoping to make it to the island you can see in the distance. The raft is sinking. On the raft you have three items: signal flares, some canned food and some bottled water. To make it safely to the island you have to throw one item overboard. Which one do you choose? I always think the friend is the best option because he can swim.

Jesus was asked a question like this about priorities. I’m glad He had a better answer. The question asked Him which one, out of the hundreds of commands in Scripture, He considered the most important. I would have asked for time to study and come back—in about a year with the answer. On the spot, without any hesitation…

Jesus answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and most important command.”               Matthew 22:37-38 NCV

It didn’t take Him a second thought. He said loving God is the most important thing you do. If you miss that you have missed the core of what life is all about—having a personal relationship with God. And then He added…

“And the second command is like the first: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’”

                                                                                                Matthew 22:39 NCV

Number One is to love God. Number two is to love other people. If you miss those, you have missed the important things in life. Period! Both priorities involve relationships. Of all the commands from which He could choose, He chose relating to God in the right way and relating to other people in the right way as the top two priorities.

Why did Jesus choose these? I think Jesus chose these two priorities because He knows exactly what we’re like. He knows relationships of this type never slip into becoming our top priority. Money can slip into our lives as our most important priority. Work can slip into that top spot. Fame and popularity can easily slip into that favored position.  Relationships never do. If my relationship with God and my relationships with other people are going to have top priority, it will only be because I have made them so. It doesn’t just happen. It requires my deliberate and continuing choice to give them that place in my life. Does this make sense to you?

There are two other contenders for top priority we must identify. The first is thinking of myself as too important. This will kill relationships. If I think I’m too important I may not give God the time He deserves and I definitely won’t make time for other people. The Bible warns us repeatedly about this danger. This is one of the most pointed warnings.

If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.                                                               Galatians 6:3 NLT

·         If I have the means to help others and never do, I’m only fooling myself.

·         If I think I’ve made a name for myself, which means I don’t need to help someone in need, I’ve only proved that I’m a nobody.

For those who struggle with self-worth this may not be helpful, but for those who have an inflated view of their own importance it’s a healthy thing to hear God say, “You’re not quite that important.”

The second contender may surprise you. Thinking God is too important may keep you from building the necessary bridge to the person you have identified. There were people in that day who excused themselves from caring for the needs of family members by dedicating all they had to God. The Bible rejects this kind of thinking. In writing instructions for Timothy on how to run the church, Paul wrote,

Whoever does not care for his own relatives, especially his own family members, has turned against the faith and is worse than someone who does not believe in God.

                                                                                                1 Timothy 5:8 NCV

There are people who make God so important they refuse to see other people as important. This misses the clear message of the Bible: If you really think God is important, you will treat other people as being important.

I have seen people, however, use God as an excuse to avoid relationships they find difficult. They have relationships that are not going well, but ministry is. So, they throw themselves into the ministry activities and ignore the relationships with the people who are closest to them. This is a huge mistake. It’s always easier to spend time on the things that are going well and make us feel good. The truth is:  God holds us most accountable for the relationships with people who are closest to us—even if those relationships are difficult.

As success grew for Billy Graham he did an interview years ago with David Frost. Most of us know Billy Graham and a few of us will remember David Frost. Frost talked with Graham about the successes he had enjoyed, the places he had been, the presidents and world leaders he had met and the growth of his work. Near the end of the interview Frost asked, “Any regrets?” Graham replied, “Yes, I do have one regret. I regret I wasn’t there with my family in the younger years as they were growing up. I feel like I failed them. They wouldn’t say this but I would say this. Ruth was there with them. She did a great job raising them. They’re great kids but I missed some things in their lives in those younger years that I can never recapture. I can never get those things back.”

Considering the impact Billy Graham has had on the world and the regret he expressed about not spending enough time on the relationships with those closest to him, we would be wise to consider the implications for us. If he can let other things slip into first place, it certainly can happen to me. I need to listen. And, I need to figure out how things move up the priority list. What can I do to make the most important things the most important things? Here are three simple actions.

1. Plan Them: It all starts with planning. What ideas do you have to make a bad relationship better or a good relationship great? Make a plan.

2. Schedule Them: This is where the breakdown often comes. The idea is ready, but it has to go on the calendar and the invitation has to be offered.

3. Do Them: The plan has been made and the date has been scheduled. Now, you follow through and actually do what has been planned. Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to break an appointment with family members than other people? If you want to build the bridge, they need to know they are top priority.

Bridge Building Tip # 2: Build On The Little Things

It’s usually the little things that make or break relationships. That’s an important thought. It’s not the big things; it’s the everyday little things that have the greatest influence on the quality of the relationship. So, what do we do when we decide it’s time to work on a relationship? We schedule a big activity like going to Disney World for a week. We think that will make it all better—even when we return to our old habits after the trip is done. In our family relationships it’s not the big things but the stuff of everyday life that makes the difference.

1 Corinthians 13 is one of the most loved and often quoted chapters in the Bible. It really is a joy to read the verses describing the incredible nature of love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

                                                                                                1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NIV

Having read all of those—Do any of you score 100%? I don’t. This is a list highlighting the importance of everyday activities. Let’s pull just three of the characteristics of love out of the list for consideration.

Love is patient. Here’s something we can do to make relationships better. Be patient. Waiting is a part of any relationship. We spend a lot of time in the waiting room of life—waiting for the next steps to be made clear. It’s one thing to wait with someone; it’s a totally different thing to wait for someone. We wait for someone to grow or to change or to decide. That will test your patience as you put life on hold waiting for them.

Let me give you a few helpful pictures of what patience is and isn’t.

·         One of you is habitually ready for church before the other. Patience isn’t driving the car around the block, honking as you drive by to let the other person know you are ready.

·         You are working on a project with your kids and they’re just not getting it. Patience isn’t taking over saying, “Here, let me do it for you.”

·         The person with whom you’re talking struggles to put ideas into words. Patience resists the urge to finish their sentences.

Love is patient. Love is also kind. It’s one thing to say you value people and quite another to actually be nice to the everyday people in our lives. It’s easier to make great commitments than to live them out. Kindness is love carried out every day in regular kinds of ways. We struggle with kindness.

·         I love you but that last bowl of ice cream is mine. Hands off!

·         I value you but you’re interrupting my TV show with your problems. Be quiet!

·         I’d do anything for you but I’m too busy to play catch with you. We’ll do it later!

Are you willing to try one more? Love keeps no record of wrongs. None of us is perfect so there is ample opportunity for someone to keep track of the wrongs we have done. How do you know if you are keeping a list of wrongs? When you are engaged in heated discussion, the list comes out. It downloads automatically and comes out of your mouth.

The famous pastor Dietrich Bonheoffer wrote advice from the Nazi prison camp where he died to a young couple preparing to marry. “My advice to you is this. Don’t find fault with each other but accept each other as you are. And forgive each other every day from the bottom of your hearts.” This is great bridge building advice.

The little things of everyday life matter. They tell others if we believe what we say deeply enough to make a difference in the way we live. We’re not talking about having perfect relationships. That’s never going to happen. We’re talking about identifying one idea to put into practice this next week to move some a relationship from bad to good or good to better. We do that by building on the little things.

Bridge Building Tip # 3: Never Give Up

Paul continues with his description of love.

Love does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

                                                                                                1 Corinthians 13:6-7 NLT

Look at the all or nothing words in these verses.

·         Love never gives up

·         Love never loses faith

·         Love is always hopeful

·         Love endures through every circumstance

The picture behind the word endures is useful in understanding this tip. It is used of soldiers who while still in the foxhole before the battle begins would tie one of his legs to the leg of another soldier. The soldier would then not have to fear either being abandoned by or abandoning the other soldier. Endure has the picture of being bound together to the end no matter what.

You know the saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” The problem is they can get going right out the door. It’s really hard to hope one more time. It’s tough to fight your way through it one more time. You just don’t have the desire or energy to do it all again—not even one more time.

So, we often settle.

·         We settle for a relationship less than we thought it would be.

·         We settle for never talking to our kids. 

·         We settle for a divorce. 

·         We settle for a feeling inside that says, “I guess I’m never going to be able to make this work. I’m never going to do that again. I never want to hurt that way again.” 

C. S. Lewis wrote: To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and little luxuries. Lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the dangers of love is hell.

It does hurt to love. But, when you never give up it makes a difference in the relationships that matter the most. What difference would it make if you called someone today and told them, “No matter what happens, no matter how far apart we feel, I will always love you?”

How do you know, then, when you have given up? That’s something we really need to know. Jesus provides the essential clue in answering the question. Do you see it in this verse as Jesus introduces one of the parables?

One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. 

                                                                                                Luke 18:1 NLT

When you stop praying you can be sure you have given up. When you start praying again, hope is renewed.

Almost every one of us has come to a place where we were ready to give up. Maybe you’re at one of those defining moments of life today. If so, the reason you’re here today is so you can hear Jesus say to you, “Pray and never give up.”

·         Don’t give up on that marriage

·         Don’t give up on that child

·         Don’t give up on that brother or sister

·         Don’t give up on that parent

What’s the alternative? Jesus says, “Pray and never give up.”

Some of you are wondering, “Can you promise me that if I don’t give up that I’m going to have a good result?” I can’t promise you that because the other person in the relationship has a choice to make, too. I can promise you this: If you do give up, the chances of building a bridge to make the relationship better go from something to zero. You may be the last one hoping and believing and praying.

God does offer this promise to you.

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.                                                       Galatians 6:9 NLT

Where do you find the strength to do that? Where do you find the strength to not give up when you’re tired and when it hurts? Where do you find the strength to do the little things and to put relationships in top priority? 

Bridge Building Tip # 4: Let God Love You

Some of us need to let God love us by admitting, “Father, I need Your help for this relationship to work.” Let’s go back to the top priorities identified by Jesus. The first is to love God and the second is to love others. In many cases we spend our entire lives trying to succeed at the second without paying attention to the first. When you start loving God, you’re more able to love other people. Bear with me by enduring another analogy.

Relationships are like two people getting into a car together. You can make this any relationship, but I’m going to use marriage. The start of the relationship is like getting into the car at the top of a hill. The car is there, engine off and in neutral. For those of you have never driven a stick shift, when a car is in neutral it can coast on its own. You’ve just started marriage and those magical words, “I do,” are just the nudge needed to start the car rolling down the hill. Momentum is all in your favor.

Things go great at first but, after a while, life starts to flatten out. Maybe it’s the first baby being born or the both of you being laid off at the same time. The changes aren’t really noticeable at first but then you start to recognize that things are different. It’s like there isn’t power. You go slower and slower and then you stop. The two of you look at each other and say, “This thing isn’t going anywhere.” Next comes the question—the inevitable question: “Who’s going to get out and push and make this thing work.” Usually one looks at the other and says, “Well, it’s your fault. You get out and push.” If you’re fortunate and have a good relationship, you may even take turns pushing. Still, there are speed bumps that make it tough. Then, you hit a hill and it takes everything you both have to push it to the top of the hill—only to find another bigger hill waiting. Now, you’re ready to give up thinking, “I can’t push it up another hill. I’ve had it.”

 Some of you are right there. Before you give up, may I suggest an alternative?  May I suggest you turn the engine on and allow God’s power to give you the strength to make it up the next hill of life? How do you turn the engine on? You recognize that you have a Father in heaven Who loves you. When you recognize God’s love for you it gives you strength to love others. It doesn’t make you perfect, but it gives you strength to love others. 

The Bible’s very clear and practical about this. 

We love each other because he loved us first.                      1 John 4:19 NLT

That’s where the strength comes from. That’s where the power comes from.  When I know I’m loved, I have the strength to love. 

Conclusion: So, Who Was It?

So, who was it that you identified at the beginning as the person to whom you want to build a bridge? Go back and think about that person. Is it a

·         Spouse?

·         Child?

·         Parent?

·         Sibling?

·         Friend?

When it comes to that relationship Jesus says, “Don’t wait. Relationships are too important. Take the step today. Make the phone call. Ask for forgiveness. Go for it!”

I know there is risk involved. I have known people who routinely turned multimillion dollar business deals with ice water in their veins. The risks were great but the possible returns made the risk worthwhile. But, when it came to the relationships with people close to them they failed miserably. They wouldn’t take the risk.

The risk is worth it. God did it for you when He risked the life of His Son to show you how much He loves you—hoping that you will return that love to Him. Where do find the strength to take the risk? You find it by letting God love you. Then, the Bible says,

Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.                                                             Ephesians 5:2 NLT

When you ask God to forgive you by accepting His love motivated gift of grace—Jesus, His Son—you are changed into a person who can love others just as Christ loved us. If you want to build a bridge to others it’s necessary to first cross the bridge Jesus built for you.

As we close I want you to see the security God promises to you through the gift of His love.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

                                                                                                Romans 8:38 NLT

God promises you security. He promises you a foundation upon which you can build your relationship bridges.

I want to invite you to pray two prayers with me. First of all I want to invite you to pray the prayer, “God, help me to learn to love You.” For some of you it will be the first time in your life that you prayed that prayer. “Help me to accept Your gift and not to try to make this work on my own. Help me to learn to love You.” Secondly I want to invite us to pray, “God, help me to learn to love those closest to me, especially …” and now you insert the name of the person you’ve been thinking about today.

Prayer: “God, help me to learn to love You. Today I accept Your gift of grace. I thank You for Your forgiveness and I pray that You would teach me how to live the right way. Thank You for sending Your Son to do all of these things. Help me learn to love You.” Then would you pray, “God, help me to learn to love my family. I’m deciding today to make it a priority. I’m deciding today to build on the little things. I’m deciding today to not give up, to never give up. I’m deciding today to let Your love strengthen my love for the people who are closest to me. Lord, I admit that I need Your strength. I need Your help. I thank You that You’re willing to give it. In Jesus’ name.  Amen.”