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Building
Bridges: Improving The Relationships In Your Life
Strengthening Relationships Through Anger and Conflict
Introduction: How Can That Happen?
If
you’ve had some time to check out the title of the sermon
this morning—Strengthening Relationships Through Anger and
Conflict—you may be thinking, “How can that happen?” When
we hear anger and conflict we think of pain—not gain. We don’t
think of being strengthened. We think about the disappointment,
discouragement and defeat. When I think about the destructive
nature of anger, I think about the project I did for my fine
arts class in college.
You need to know I detested art classes. Why? It was because students
were always expected to do some kind of project; a project
that would be graded; a project guaranteed to pull my GPA
down. This time there was some hope because of a wide range
of options for the projects. I decided to construct a bridge
out of matchsticks. I used several boxes of blue-tipped wooden
matches to build my 18” bridge on a piece of plywood. I wish
I could show it to you.
Since a bridge should bridge something, I developed a river flowing
through some grassy hills for the bridge to cross. Since water
is blue, I used the match heads for the river. When it was
done, I carefully placed a protective piece of cardboard over
the water and turned it in. To my amazement I received an
“A” for my grade. I picked it up and brought it back to my
dorm room. While talking to my friend in the room across the
hall I heard a cry from my room, turned around and saw Steve
holding my project with flames shooting to the ceiling. I
ran into my room, realized I couldn’t get the screen out of
the window in time to throw the inferno out, grabbed it from
him, threw it upside down on the floor and grabbed some towels
to smother the flames while another friend quickly brought
a wastebasket full of water to finish the job.
What had happened? Steve had started pulling the cardboard back
and forth over the match heads. The friction was sufficient
to create enough heat that the explosive flash point was reached.
As I looked at the burn marks on the carpet, I realized my
project could have put me into the headlines on the national
news.
When
I think of anger that’s how I picture it. Sufficient friction
creates a flash point that explodes with destructive force.
We know too well how anger and conflict can destroy relationships.
The Bible says,
The
fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will
finally have nothing left.
Proverbs
11:29 (LB)
That’s
how we normally think of anger.
Because
we’re in a series about building bridges to improve our relationships,
I want to talk with you today about how anger and conflict
can help that happen. The reality is that every one of us
experiences anger and conflict. Have you ever had anyone tell
you they don’t get angry? They say, “I’m a Christian; I don’t
get angry.” They have a fantasyland address. There is a word
for people who never get angry—DEAD! Anger is inevitable,
but character assassination doesn’t have to be. Conflict is
going to come but combat doesn’t need to follow. Where anger
usually distracts, derails and discourages, if we deal with
it like the Bible tells us to, it can enhance, encourage and
empower stronger relationships.
You’re
probably still thinking, “How can that happen?” Let’s see.
How Do You Handle Anger?
The
Bible deals with anger, offering many situations where people
were angry. Some were angry in the right way. Others were
angry in the wrong way. It’s important to know the difference.
Even Jesus became angry, but He was always angry in the right
way that was consistent with His character. Here’s the question:
When I become angry is my character consistent? What can my
family and friends expect when I become angry?
We
need to know this because we all have triggers that cause
angry feelings. Do you know your trigger point? What makes
you angry?
When
your trigger point hits, what do you do? Most of us will fall
into one of two types. You are going to be either an exploder
or an imploder. When exploders become tense they lash out. They say
things; they intimidate; they attack. At the other end of
the extreme are imploders.
They would rather bury it than deal with it. They stuff it
deep inside.
Exploders
will boast that you don’t need to wonder what they’re thinking.
They’ll let you know as they let it fly.
They excuse themselves by saying, “It’s just the way
I am.” The explosions hurt people. It creates more rage in
you and in others. It sometimes leaves permanent scars. Research
and experience says there has to be a better way.
Imploders
will claim they are better people. They don’t explode all
over others. Stuffing it inside doesn’t work either. It’s
like burying toxic waste. It’s starts to leak and the hidden
anger poisons your body. Hidden
anger makes you cynical, short tempered, bitter and depressed. Hidden anger poisons your attitude, relationships
and faith. It makes you difficult to be around. Eventually
the anger will come out in some way.
You
will find in your outline a place where you can mark the spot
that indicates how you handle anger. The good news is that
we learned how to express anger. We aren’t born with a predetermined
profile. That means our learned pattern can be unlearned.
If we say neither exploding nor imploding work, what are our
options?
That’s
a good question. We could all sign up for anger management
classes. Or, we can look at what the Bible says with this
PEACE plan—five strategy points for dealing with anger in
a way the honors God and strengthens relationship with other
people.
P – Put Up A Mirror
This
first strategy step calls for us to examine why anger has
been triggered. Look into a mirror and try to figure out what
it is that triggered your feeling. The evaluation question
to ask here is, “What is this about? Why am I angry?”
I
was driving home on Pinecone Road the other day. I came to
the 4-way stop. As I waited for those with the right-of-way
to move through the intersection, a young woman pulled alongside
me in the right lane just as it was time to go. On the other
side of the intersection, the road narrows to just one lane.
She raced ahead trying to pull in front of me and would have
hit my front bumper if I hadn’t slowed up. I was angry. I
chased after her, honking my horn, wanting her to know how
upset I was.
Suddenly
I thought, “Why am I doing this?” I said to myself, “She took
my place. I should be ahead of her!” “No,” I countered (these
conversations with yourself are fun, aren’t they?), “You’re
frustrated. Some of the places where you have wanted to move
ahead have been stalled. This simply triggered the depth of
that frustration.” With that I backed off, deciding the 50
feet I was now forced to follow behind her wasn’t the end
of the world. It certainly wasn’t worth a road-rage incident.
The
Bible is consistent in its advice.
Pride
only leads to arguments, but those who take advice are
wise.
Proverbs 13:10 NCV
For
some of you, that may be what you really need. You need to
start dealing with the pride.
Why
do you fight and argue with each other? Isn't it because you
are full of selfish desires that fight to control your body? James 4:1
CEV
Pride
and selfishness reveal tremendous immaturity that needs to
be addressed. When you put up a mirror you ask, “God, what’s
going on here?” If you’re willing to ask the question, God
is willing to answer it. In the answer, there is an incredibly
valuable lesson to be learned.
This
is the lesson: Anger is never the real issue. Anger is a secondary
emotion. The mirror helps us see beyond the anger to understand
the primary emotions that are being expressed as anger. There
are three primary emotions behind anger: hurt, fear and frustration.
When you put up the mirror you will find hurt, you will find
fear or you will find frustration. This is a foundational
truth just like the moment you learned in elementary school
that all of the colors come from the three primary colors
red, blue and yellow. Hurt, fear and frustration are the three
primary emotions.
If
we want to deal constructively with anger you need to put
up the mirror so you can determine the real issue. Failing
to deal with the real problem means you live in denial, discount
your anger, blame other people and, in the end, you are the
victim. This is important. If you get this, you are halfway
there even though we’re only on the first strategy point.
Let’s
try this out on some scenarios so we get a feel for what it’s
like looking in the mirror.
1st
Scenario: The person you’ve been dating broke up with you
yesterday. They used that great line, “It’s not you; it’s
me. Let’s just be friends.” Ever since, you’ve been fantasizing
about the best form of torture you can use on this person
you thought loved you—until yesterday. You’re angry. Why?
You are hurt. You have been rejected and it really, really
hurts!
2nd
Scenario: You’re on vacation and scheduled to go on a zip
line adventure tour over the jungle canopy. You know the family
is excited about it but you are afraid of heights. It’s time
for lunch and you discover there isn’t enough bread to make
the sandwiches. You shout out, “Who used all the bread and
didn’t tell me? Now, I’m going to have to go to the store
and we’ll probably miss the zip line tour?” The issue isn’t
the bread or anger. It’s the fear you are dealing with.
3rd Scenario: You’re a person who likes to be on
time. You live with someone who doesn’t have the same concern.
This morning you were in the car waiting—again. On the way
to church one of the kids started acting up and you exploded.
There is no way the child deserved this reaction. What’s going
on? You are frustrated and it bubbled out at this point of
vulnerability.
Looking
in the mirror to get at the truth is the way to peace. If
you want peaceful relationships, get at the truth so the truth
can set you free. Some of you are blaming your spouse for
something. Instead, you may need to say, “I feel afraid when
you talk to the kids that way.” You have a friend who is habitually
late. You may need to say, “I feel like I really don’t matter
when you’re always late. I feel like our relationship isn’t
very important.” Parents you are constantly getting angry
with your kids about what they wear. What you’re really concerned
about is what people are going to think of you.
Which
emotion triggers your flash point? Hurt… Fear… Frustration
E – Examine Your Anger
Anger
is real. It is emotional and it is also biochemical. There
is a hormonal release in the body. This assures us that anger
is included in God’s design for the human body. It’s part
of God’s protective defense mechanism. Anger comes and goes.
It is not always bad. The important point is that we have
to decide how we deal with our anger. We need to examine our
anger by asking our evaluation question for this strategy
point, “Where is this headed?”
We
understand anger can be healthy. Jesus was angry at the moneychangers
who had desecrated the temple in Jerusalem by gouging sincere
worshippers who needed the proper sacrifice to offer. The
animals could have been provided at a reasonable price as
a service to those coming to worship. But, the system was
stacked against the worshipper. Any animals brought were declared
unacceptable, forcing the need to buy an acceptable animal
from the only source deemed worthy. True to His character
Jesus was angry and took the necessary steps to right the
wrong by uprighting the tables and driving the thieves from
the temple so it could be restored to its intended purpose
as a house of prayer.
Righteous
anger exposes socials sins that harm people by motivating
us to take stand when we move beyond the stage that someone
should do something about this to, “I’m going to do something
about this.” Righteous anger shatters complacency and shakes
previously unaware people wide awake. We should ask God to
awaken righteous anger in us because until He does we will
ignore crucial areas where God wants us to be salt and light.
While
we understand anger can be healthy we are far more aware that
it is also hateful. Hateful anger is ugly. It burns with resentment.
If something isn’t done it will become hurtful to others as
it consumes us. The Bible makes it unquestionably clear that
hateful, harmful anger is completely outside of God’s design
for us.
And
“don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun
go down while you are still angry…
Ephesians 4:26 NLT
The
key here is not allowing anger to control you. You will either
move to gain control over anger or the anger will control
you. If you want to gain control over anger, you need to examine
it by determining, “Where is this headed?”
A – Act Slowly
This
is where it’s very easy to get into trouble. We act rashly—impulsively. The question to ask here is, “What will be accomplished?
Who will be wounded?”
It’s
usually our mouths that get us into trouble. We talk without
thinking. We blurt and we hurt. This was our focus last week
when we examined how to build bridges with our words. We’re
much more skilled at burning bridges with our words than building
bridges.
Maybe
this exercise will help you. When you’re ready to say something
that will hurt someone else find a board and drive a nail
into it. Maybe you will need to keep a board, hammer and some
nails nearby. When you feel anger rising grab the hammer and
drive the nail. Then, when you’re ready to act reasonably
human again, go and pull the nail. Then, look at the hole
in the wood. Isn’t it better to have the hole in the board
than in the soul of someone you love? When we don’t act slowly,
we hurt people.
There
are going to be times when you can’t use your hammer and nail.
The cutting comment is right there on the tip of your tongue
and you are ready to let it fly. You may need to type these
verses on a card and keep them in a very visible place.
Foolish
people lose their tempers, but wise people control theirs.
Proverbs 29:11 NCV
Wise
people think before they act; fools don’t—and even brag about
their foolishness.
Proverbs 13:16 NLT
In
my earlier example I demonstrated for you exactly how a fool
acts during a potential
road rage situation. I wasn’t bragging. What I hope you
see is confirmation of my theory that drivers are idiots.
There is something that happens to us when you close the door
and start the car. What we have to understand is that if drivers
are idiots and I am a driver then I am an idiot—at least potentially.
Fortunately I came to my senses (that time), allowed my self-righteous
anger to subside and everyone benefited.
There
are other times it turns tragic. Just a few days ago I read
about a driver in the Bay Area who picked his two kids, ages
6 & 4, up at school and went to meet his wife. Witnesses
say he inadvertently cut another driver off on Interstate
280. That driver then pulled alongside the car and shot and
killed him. Fortunately the car wasn’t going too fast and
stalled to a stop when it went off the road into some of the
ubiquitous ice plant that is used along the freeways. The
children were unhurt physically, but think of the deeper damage
done to them.
We
may not kill someone by shooting them but we need to admit
there is a powder keg waiting to explode in all of us and
the weapon of choice is almost always our words. Act slowly.
Slow down and ask, “What is going to happen? Who is likely
to be hurt?”
C – Consider Their Condition
When
somebody snaps and surprises you with an inappropriate response
or uncharacteristic behavior I have discovered the surface
issue is almost never the real issue. I often ask people to
evaluate if there is a reason why the other person acted so
out of character. The question to ask here is, “What is going
on in their world?” This doesn’t justify what has happened
but it will moderate your response. It helps cooler heads
to prevail.
How
do you consider another person’s condition? The best way is
to ask yourself three questions.
1.
Is
there hurt?
2.
Is
there fear?
3.
Is
there frustration?
This
isn’t easy to do. When I have been attacked or threatened
in some way I have found that I am far more likely to be concerned
about what’s happened to me and what I’m going to do about
it. Please don’t ask me to be concerned about their condition.
I don’t really care what condition their condition is in.
But, I need to be.
God
asks me to do one thing at these times. In fact, He expects
me to do this. He wants me to act like Jesus. He says,
Do nothing
out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider
others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not
only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus…
Philippians 2:3-5 NIV
Think about Jesus. Jesus
is being tortured before He is to be executed and what does
He do? He doesn’t strike back. After considering their condition
He says, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they’re
doing.” As I debate whether or not I’m going to choose to
act like Jesus I will protest, “But, Father, they knew exactly
what they were doing.” If I’m disciplining myself to follow
the peace plan I will hear God asking in reply, “But, have
you stopped to consider why?” Consider their condition. Are
there reasons for acting as they are? What you find will help.
E – Embrace God’s Peace Plan
The
question we need to answer to pursue God’s plan for peace
is, “What step will I take next?” Some of you will benefit
from writing the main strategy points on a card so you can
keep it with you. When you feel the trigger starting to be
squeezed you can pull out the card for a quick reality check.
Some of you may need to take your notes with you to your small
group Bible study to discuss with some people who can pray
for you. You can ask them to pray for you at specific places
in the process where you know you are vulnerable.
There
are some concrete actions you can take to embrace God’s peace
plan.
Pray
I
know this sounds simple—some of you may even think it’s trite—but
God invites us to bring our concerns to Him in prayer. Rather
than delaying, why not take this step right away? Step into
His presence and admit your need for help. A verse I pray
often is James 1:5.
If
you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it
to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
James 1:5 NLT
When
you have a problem that threatens to trigger your flash point,
ask God for His help in resolving it.
Apologize
Some
of the most powerful words we can use are, “I’m sorry. Please
forgive me.” They can change the conversation and correct
the course charging toward conflict and confusion. For many
of us these are difficult words—I’m sorry. I was wrong. Forgive
me. The Bible advises,
People
who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they
confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. Proverbs
28:13 NLT
It
may not be easy to do but it has to be done to take God’s
road to peace.
Confront
For
exploders who thrive on action this should be a natural! It
isn’t. We need to confront instead of exploding. The
two actions are vastly different. Confrontation acknowledges
the value of the relationship by investing self into the equation.
God places high value on relationships.
This
is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If
you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering,
you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon
your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make
things right. Then and only then, come back and work things
out with God.
Matthew 5:23-24 The Message
Jesus
says that making the relationship right takes priority over
worship because you won’t be able to truly worship until the
relationship is right.
If
you are an exploder the challenge is to confront and honor
God in the process. Confrontation doesn’t need to be painful
for either party. It can be handled gently with grace and
truth. Grace says, “I care about
you. I love you. Our relationship is important.”Truth
says, “Here’s what’s going on inside. This is how I feel.”
If
you are an imploder the challenge is to actually do something.
It’s much easier to say, “I’m sorry,” and be finished. Confrontation
is traumatic. But, what is your alternative? Grace and truth
make their voices heard only when we agree to honor God by
allowing them to use our voices.
I want to make this caution clear: Jesus says you confront when you know someone has something
against you—not when you have something against them. That
one you need to work out with God rather than inflicting indescribable
harm on someone by asking them to forgive your sinful feelings
against them. Only God can forgive that sin. The Bible does
authorize confrontation of the person involved in sin—but
sin is a much different matter than your feelings about a
person.
The
good news is peaceful confrontation works. It restores and
strengthens relationships. We muzzle the jaws of the anger
monster, we open the fists with which we were ready to strike
and treat each other with God’s tender mercy. Conflict is
not resolved accidently. We need to take deliberate and determined
steps.
Forgive
This
is a biggie. It is the toughest step of all. This means setting
aside my resentment and bitterness to forgive the person who
has had the courage to ask. Some people refuse. When they
are asked, “Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”
they say, “No! I won’t” Listen: You need to unwrap your fingers
of hate from around their neck and forgive them. Refusing
to do so brings a landslide of hate that closes the road to
peace.
The
part of me that likes to be liked would have liked to leave
this verse out. So, even if you decide not to like me, here
it is.
But
if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive
your sins.
Matthew 6:15 NLT
Refusing
to forgive others who have sinned against you leaves you unavailable
to experience God’s forgiveness of your sins. Your heart is
hard and it is closed to what God wants to do.
On
which of these four steps do you need to follow through?
None
of this is natural. It is, in fact, supernatural. For some
of us here today there may one more step to take. That step
is to reconcile with God so you can have His supernatural
help available to you. Being at peace with God enables you
to be at peace with others.
Conclusion: Do You Need To Build A Bridge?
Like
my college project, we often are better bridge burners that
bridge builders. Anger and conflict are forces that can weaken
and bend the gusset plates (who knew gusset plates were so
important) of our relationships with other people. Much like
those who had to decide whether to repair or rebuild our nearby
DeSota Bridge we need to ask God to guide us in examining
our relationships with other people. In some cases there are
repairs that can be made. In some extreme cases you may need
to start a rebuilding project. In conclusion, here are some
questions to ask.
·
Are
there relationships to which I need to give attention?
·
Is
there someone I need to ask to forgive me?
·
Is
there someone I need to forgive?
·
Are
there specific steps I need to take to handle my anger better?
The
wise person will give attention to these matters. You certainly
don’t want to turn around and find flames of anger blazing
to the ceiling.
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