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Building Bridges: Improving The Relationships In Your Life
Building Bridges With Your Words

Introduction: The Fuel of Relationships

Think of a relationship where you would like to build a bridge. It may be a bridge to make the relationship better. It might be a bridge to bring the relationship back together. It might be a bridge to strengthen a relationship that’s already good. It might be a relationship with a husband or wife or kids or a relationship at work or with a friend. Just pick a relationship and say, “I’d like to build a bridge there.” 

Now picture that relationship like a car—any kind of car you want. (If you’re longing for the days of the Ford Pinto or AMC Gremlin you haven’t gotten into the spirit of things.) Picture any kind of car you want—no matter how expensive it is. Do you have it? What’s your car?

If you picture a relationship like a car, have you noticed that sometimes relationships get stalled? Sometimes they just don’t seem to be going anywhere. With all the repair bills, as shiny as it looks on the outside and as expensive as it might be, sometimes relationships get stalled. The question is: when a relationship gets stalled, how do you get it going again? If it’s a car, you have to put the right fuel in.  Relationships are fueled by communication. Communication is what fuels relationships, makes them run, makes them work. I don’t care how great the relationship looks on the outside. If you’re not constantly putting the fuel of communication into the relationship, it’s going to stall. Look at any relationship that’s not working—any place where a bridge needs to be built—you can guarantee that someone, somehow, someway stopped talking.

Married couples discover this. When they were dating they talked a lot. When they were engaged they talked a lot. After getting married somewhere along the way the conversation started to dry up. Then, one day, they realize the relationship doesn’t seem to measure up any more.

·         50% of wives say that their husbands don’ t talk to them as much as they would like

·         85% of divorces cite the inability to communicate as a reason for dissolving the marriage

·         25% of teenagers say they have never had a significant conversation with their dad

It may not be that extreme for you but we all could use some help.

You will sometimes see speech classes in college listed under communication sciences. How long does it take to figure out that communication isn’t a science? Instead we call it the art of communication. Communication is almost never black and white. It’s filled with various fine lines and intricate shades of color. When it comes to communication, most of us are like preschoolers with crayons trying to stay inside the lines. We have a lot to learn. We need help.

What should we do when we need help? We should call an expert. This past winter, our floor heat in the basement stopped heating. I went into the utility room, felt some of the pipes, looked at the water heater and then I called the plumber—a very wise move. He came and fixed it.

Who is the world’s foremost authority in the area of communication? It’s not Dr. Laura or even Dr. Phil. It’s Jesus. No one was ever better at communicating than Jesus. Even people who refuse to acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God agree that He was a master communicator. Jesus knew how to build bridges to people so He could connect with them. We are going to examine communication skills to help us build bridges with our words.

1^st Skill – You Build Trust

This is where it all starts—building trust. If you can’t trust what I’m saying, communication is going to be a difficult struggle. Imagine if you came in, picked up your bulletin and read this disclaimer: 80% of what you hear today is true. What would you do? You wouldn’t know what parts are true and what parts are false. You’d give up and communication would cease. When distrust is injected into a relationship it destroys communication.

Jesus identifies trust as indispensible for good communication. He said,

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.        Matthew 5:37 NIV

Jesus was serious about this. He doesn’t just say that it’s a good idea. He says going beyond this is evil. The religious leaders of Jesus’ time had developed a series of oaths to convince people their words were true. In the preceding verses we read how they would swear by heaven because it is God’s throne or earth because it is God’s footstool. They couldn’t swear on God’s name, but they used just about everything else they could. When they did so, it was supposed to tell you that you could really trust what they were saying.

We employ our own kinds of oaths. Kids say, “Cross my heart and hope to die.” They don’t really hope to die; they do hope you will believe them. When we get older we say, “I swear it’s true.” One of the most common ways we do this is the use of the word “honestly” or the phrase “to tell you the truth.” Now, honestly, if I say that to you does that mean I’m not being honest in whatever else I say? Jesus says, “Here is the way to build trust. Let your yes mean yes and no mean no.”

Building trust in communication is a struggle for all of us. Here are the top four ways to erode trust.

Lies: Lies are always told in the absence of trust. Telling a lie means I don’t trust you to deal with the truth.

Flattery: Flattery is really nothing more than a positive lie designed to butter the other person up so you can manipulate them. The Bible, which is an honest book, says, “May the Lord cut off their flattering lips and silence their boastful tongues” (Psalm 12:3 NLT)

Broken Promises: Breaking a promise breaks trust. It may seem like a small thing, for example, to not follow through on a promise made to your children, but to them it is a very big thing.

Silence: If you’re silent all the time, people don’t know what to think. Sharing your thoughts by using actual words is one way to share yourself with others so they can learn to trust you.                                         

The lesson we learn from Jesus is: If you want to be a good communicator, you have to develop trust. You won’t have high quality communication until you have high level trust.

Some of you may be struggling with a troubling question, “How do I rebuild trust if I have already compromised myself?” Can trust be rebuilt? Yes, it can. It’s not easy, but it can. Do you want to know how?

Trust is rebuilt one word at a time. It’s built one yes at a time and one no at a time. The other person may wonder, “Can I trust you this time?” You have to stick with until they can say with confidence, “I can trust you this time!” You have to go back to the foundation and build from the bottom up.

When the earthquake devastated the San Francisco Bay Area in 1989 many homes were destroyed because the foundation had been damaged. Some of the houses with damaged foundations were historic Victorian mansions that were deemed worthy of being saved. The problem was that the foundation had to be repaired. So, money was raised and equipment was brought in to lift the houses off their foundations so the necessary repairs could be made. Once repaired, the houses were lowered to rest again on the firm foundations and to shine with all their stately magnificence. It was a big, expensive effort but people agreed that it was worth it.

Some of you have beautiful relationships that are crumbling, but they are worth saving. You may need to lift everything up to reveal the problem and restore trust. It will take time. It will be hard work. It will be worth it!

2^nd Skill: You Guard Your Thoughts

Let’s start again with what Jesus says. Confronting the hypocritical religious leaders, He says,

You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.                                     Matthew 12:34 NIV

Teaching about the connection between the mouth and the heart/mind Jesus taught this principle,

It’s not what goes into your body that defiles you; you are defiled by what comes from your heart.                                                                                    Mark 7:15 NLT

Do you see the problem? What I think affects what I say. Then, what I say in turn affects what I think. My bitter heart speaks bitter words that deepen the bitterness in my heart. It is a vicious, unrelenting cycle—a cycle that can be broken.

An old man was out jogging one day on a track that circled a football field being used for practice by a high school team. As he ran the players were running wind sprints. He thought, “This will be a good challenge. As long as they’re doing wind sprints, I’ll keep jogging.” He continued jogging as they continued running. It went on and on—jogging, sprinting; sprinting, jogging. After quite a while the man just couldn’t take any more, but he pushed himself for a few more laps. Finally, he had to stop. When he stopped; they stopped. As he was trying to catch his breath, an equally winded player came over to him and said, “Man, we didn’t think you were ever going to stop. The coach told us, ‘As long as that old man can keep running, you are going to run.’”

That’s a vicious circle—one we’ve all been caught up in. As we speak angry words we become more angry and speak even angrier words. Jesus says, “If you want to communicate well, you need to guard our heart.” Words are never a slip of the tongue; they are the overflow of the heart. We speak words we may not have wanted to speak, but we felt them or we wouldn’t have said them.

Do you ever let your thoughts leak out into your words? You claim you didn’t really mean it (honestly) but the words came from someplace. You weren’t going to say it but you got angry (to tell the truth) and it just came out. We’ve all done that. That’s what Jesus is talking about. In fact, Jesus said it’s inevitable. Eventually it’s going to happen.  That’s why a big part of good communication is guarding your heart by reminding yourself, “If I think it, I’m eventually going to say it.”You don’t need a change of words; you need a change of heart.

Before we finish today I want to talk with you about having a change of heart. But, before we do that, there are still two communication skills to explore.

3^rd Skill: You Use Your Ears

When it comes to listening God is the best example.

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy.

                                                                                                   Psalm 116:1 NLT

God hears every prayer every day. There must be billions of prayers. And, if I’m honest, when I go back and consider some of my prayers they really aren’t worth listening to. They’re selfish. They don’t focus on others or the future but, thankfully, God listens. He is our model.

The problem is we aren’t exactly a nation of listeners. It’s built into our culture. Will Rogers described the problem when he explained how Congress works.

“Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens and then everybody disagrees.”

That’s what we’re like. Listening isn’t our natural preference. We’re much more likely to speak. Experts in the field of communication estimate we hear only 20% of what is said.

The Bible places great value on listening.

Anyone who answers without listening is foolish and confused.

                                                                                                Proverbs 18:13 NCV

Failure to listen makes me foolish and leaves everyone confused. It’s harmful for me and for you. We often try to excuse our behavior by claiming, “It’s not hurting anyone.” Well, not listening hurts everyone. On the other hand, listening makes me wise and provides clarity for you. It’s important to listen.

Learning to listen can change the lives of people around you.

Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.

                                                                                                Proverbs 21:23 NLT

There’s some good incentive to listen.

Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

                                                                                                Proverbs 10:19 NLT

Talking too much leaves us vulnerable to sin—sins like lying, gossip, slander and speculation. Being sensible and keeping the mouth shut benefits everybody.

Genuine listening is hard work. You have to put yourself into it. The Chinese character for listening incorporates the symbols for eyes and ears—our undivided attention—in that one character. It’s a good picture of what listening is. It involves all of me. In the interest of all of us wanting to be better listeners and improve our skills in this area, let me give you an acrostic based on the word “listen” for six simple actions we can take to improve our skills in listening.

L – Look At People

Listen with both your ears and eyes.

I – Invest In People

This is the attitude that the person talking is important and deserves to be heard. An effective listener accepts people as they are rather than what we wish they might be.

S – Stop Whatever Else You Are Doing

Good listening is like tuning in a radio station. You can only hear one station at a time. I know you can listen to more than one thing at a time. I can, too. But, let the other person know you are dialed in on their exclusive frequency.

T – Think About What They Are Saying

The one thing we’re usually thinking about as someone speaks is not what they are saying but what we’re going to say next. Don’t try to guess the end of the story before they get there. I do this and my percentage of being right isn’t very good.

E – Empathize With Them

This is the main difference between a bad listener and a good listener. A bad listener listens to what you say so they can top your story with their own. A good listener has a question to draw out more of the story. It shows you are trying to connect with them.

N – Notice Body Language

Communication experts tells us that 7% of communication is in the actual words we speak, 38% is contained in our tone of voice and 55% comes from our non-verbal body language. We need to pick up on the big signals and understand the actual words spoken may not be the message being communicated.

Psychologist Carl Rogers said, “Nothing feels so good as being understood.” Any of us who have ever felt the loneliness of feeling like no one really understands will agree with his assessment. It feels good when you feel like you have been heard and understood.

We have explored three of the four communication skills and we haven’t considered the words we use yet. It’s time to do that now.

4^th Skill: You Empower Your Words

Consider the power of the words you speak. Proverbs says,

What you say can mean life or death. Those who speak with care will be rewarded.

                                                                                                Proverbs 18:21 NCV

The tongue has the power to give life or pronounce a sentence of death. We need to be careful about what we say.

The account about the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11 is an intriguing story. God became concerned about the tower they were building to make a name for themselves. What did God do to halt the project? He didn’t take away their tools or limit their supply of bricks. Instead, where they spoke one common language to this point, He confused their language so they couldn’t understand each other. The project stopped and the people scattered all over the earth with different languages and different cultures. Words are important.

They are important in our lives, too, as we choose how the power of our words will be used. Words are powerful

When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.

                                                                                                Ephesians 4:29 NCV

Words can be used to shatter a window or build a foundation. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can…

·         Break a child’s heart

·         Break a wife’s love

·         Break a husband’s dream

Or, words can,

·         Build confidence to attempt the difficult

·         Bring healing to a broken relationship

·         Promote unity in the face of a great challenge

Words are powerful and we are accountable for the ones we choose to use.

The question is: How do I use words to build up instead of tearing down? Recognizing that communication is basically an act of the will there are four actions we can choose to take.

I Can Decide To Be Honest

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.                             Proverbs 24:26 NIV

There is a big difference between a kiss on the cheek and a kiss on the lips. Honesty is the kiss on the lips when it comes to communication. Groucho Marx said, “The secret to life is honesty in fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” As tough as it might be to be honest, we need to try.

If I had to pick one word to describe how Jesus communicated with people it would be honesty. He told them what they needed to hear in a way that they could hear it no matter how much they didn’t want to. He spoke with honesty in all His relationships. His honesty was balanced by love.

Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.                          Ephesians 4:15 NLT

There are some people who use truth like a missile. It finds its mark and it hurts. They tell you the truth but it is blunt and brutal. Truth is to be balanced by love. When we do that we become more and more like Jesus when we speak and it helps the person listening to do the same. That’s God honoring honesty.

There is a decision we have to make to be able to speak the truth in love. Do I want to impress people or impact people? I can say all kinds of nice things and people may think that I’m a nice guy. But, there is more to life than being a nice guy. We sometimes have to tell people some difficult things if they’re going to be helped.

While I was going to seminary there was one student who had a very noticeable problem with body odor. This came up for discussion at a faculty meeting. When the question was asked, “Who is going to talk with him?” all the heads went down except for one. Most of the faculty didn’t want the student to think they were offended by his odor. Don Orvis, who has been here at our church, said he would talk to the student. Which faculty member do you think that student admired? He thought Dr. Orvis was the greatest guy in the world because he cared enough to talk to him about something that could have destroyed his future ministry.

I Can Decide To Use Touch

Jesus was willing to touch people others thought untouchable. Jesus used touch to heal but in many cases His touch told people how much they mattered to Him. When Jesus touched people it was genuine. There was nothing phony about it.

Studies have been done with infants to prove that babies who receive significant touch thrive. Other studies show that as patients are dying one of the first noticeable signs of how hard it is to deal with death is when visitors stop touching them by no longer holding the hand or giving them a hug. At the time when the patient needs the comfort of a loving touch most, it disappears. Other studies have shown that a good hug between a husband and wife reduces tension by releasing chemicals that are beneficial.

Touch is powerful. Use it well.

I Can Decide To Ask Questions

Questions have the power to challenge and to clarify. Peter was the first of the disciples to declare that Jesus was the Messiah. Why did Peter say that? Jesus had asked, “Who do you say that I am?” It was a question that changed everything.

Statements tend to confront. They build barriers. Questions allow the opportunity to clarify. Statements are final. Questions are open-ended.

I Can Decide To Use Word Pictures

Jesus was a master at this. When Nicodemus came to Jesus at night seeking answers Jesus wanted to help him see that Christianity is not about doing better but rather starting over. So, He said,

I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.  

                                                                                                John 3:3 NLT

Jesus told His followers they didn’t need to worry about God taking care of them, but He went beyond that. He painted a picture of God’s care as being like birds who never have to work for their food or lilies that are adorned with splendor. God loves us and will take care of us.

Effective communicators uses word pictures.

Suppose you have a friend who says to you, “I have some problems but I never get around to dealing with them because I see so many people who are much worse than I am.” You could say, “That’s stupid.” Or you could say, “Let’s say you are trapped in quicksand up to your waist but because all the people around you are trapped up to their necks, you guess you don’t need to worry about it. Does that make sense to you?” No, it doesn’t. You would try to get out of the quicksand and then you would also be able to help others who are trapped worse.

Conclusion: Start A Communication Revolution

We are in the middle of a communication revolution. Nothing like the increase in communication has taken place since the invention of the printing press. How many of you have a cell phone? How many of you have a phone you can use for activities other than talking? It’s amazing. But, with all of the incredible advances, has it improved communication?

I’m inviting you to start a communication revolution this week. You will see four summary statements. Select one action that you will take this week to improve your communication.

This week I will

___ Build trust by…

___ Guard my thoughts by…

___ Use my ears by…

___Empower my words by…

Pick only one of the four choices and then decide how you are going to do this.

I told you at the end of the second action I wanted to talk with you today about how to have a change of heart. One of the keys to communication is what is in my heart. If I don’t change what is in my heart, there isn’t going to be any real change in my communication. The change may involve getting a new heart. How does that happen?

You communicate with God. You invite Him to change your heart. You admit that you need Him to change you from the inside out by forgiving your sin. You confess your sin as being wrong and ask Him to change your heart because you understand that Jesus came to earth, allowed Himself to be killed and then came back to life so you could have a new heart. God will open the communication lines to heaven, He will hear your prayer and He will forgive you.

I don’t know about you but I find communication is a challenge. I want to close today by praying that God will help us to build bridges with our words this coming week.

Jesus, You are the master communicator. We need your help. Help us to listen where we haven’t been listening. Help us to listen to that person we just really don’t want to. Help us to build up others with our words. Help us to use our words to make people better instead of tearing them down. Jesus, we need your help. Thank you for promising to give us that help. We trust you because we know that you are always honest with us even when you sometimes have to tell us the truth about ourselves for our own good. We love you and are eternally grateful that you love us. Amen.