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Building Bridges: Improving The Relationships In Your Life
Instilling Commitment (Sparking Sizzle) In Your Marriage 

Introduction: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage

If you’re married I want you to try and remember what dating was like. After all, dating was the bridge that led to marriage. There is nothing quite like dating. It’s passionate. It’s exciting. It’s explosive. It’s all so fresh as you seemingly discover something new about the other person almost every day.

·         The way she walks is so cute!

·         When he talks I hang on every word!

·         He is so mysterious!

·         She is so unpredictable!

·         I don’t know how I’ve lived without him!

·         She is the most amazing creature I ever met!

Then, you get married. There is often a honeymoon and almost always there is a honeymoon period where everything hangs on the slim thread of idealized perfection. So, when did your honeymoon period end? For some it’s a few days, for others a few weeks and for some it may even be a few months. Eventually reality hits as the months become years and the years become a blur of decades and what was once so delightfully surprising is now deadly familiar.

·         He’s so detached.

·         She’s so predictable.

·         e/She is so ordinary.

The new wears off and what once sizzled has to really be worked just to maintain a fizzle.

Marriage is the most important relationship you have on earth. I tell couples during premarital counseling that,

Marriage is the refining process that God will use to have us become the man or woman He wants us to be.

That’s actually a great way to evaluate your success as a husband or wife. You can ask yourself, “Am I helping my spouse to become more like Jesus?” Even good marriages need an occasional nudge to keep us moving in the direction God wants us to move. Hopefully, if it’s needed, this will provide that nudge. And, if you’re not married, hopefully it won’t discourage you from considering marriage at the right time with the right person.

Our culture has become very cynical about marriage. Marriage is now only an option. It’s not considered necessary to enjoy God’s gift of physical intimacy or to have children.

In God’s love letter to us—the Bible—we see He offers the way to a healthy, fulfilling relationship as husband and wife. The Bible sets forth principles to help the marriage relationship not only survive but to thrive.

And, isn’t that what we all want when we get married? I have done well over 100 hundred weddings. I have never had a bride and groom say survival is the goal hoping to gut it out for five years and maybe walk away with a sofa and a TV.

Let’s do a short evaluation right now. You should see three words in your outline: Romance, Routine and Roommate. Which word best describes your marriage?

Romance

This isn’t childhood, fantasy level romance. It describes taking intentional steps to promote health and growth in your marriage. It means you attend seminars like Love and Respect so you can grow together. It means passion still flames with a twinkle in the eyes and a glow in your words when you talk about your spouse. There is a connectedness, intimacy and more than a little sizzle.

Routine

Marriage is stable but there isn’t any spark. The sizzle has turned to fizzle. Marriage is OK but it’s just OK. It’s not all that great but it’s good enough to hang in there. It’s more of the survival mode.

Roommates

At this stage it’s just dead. It’s so flat that even the fizzle has fizzled. First comes love, then comes marriage but you don’t really know what comes next and worse you don’t really care. When it comes to marriage you can live with it or without it. It just doesn’t matter.

Which one are you? Go ahead and circle it. It’s important to do an audit. What is the health of your marriage? If we’re being honest we’ll admit that even good marriages hurt some of the time. But, bad marriages hurt almost all of the time. If you have a lot of pain I know that this one sermon isn’t going to make everything better. You may need some major surgery to get you back on the road to health. This message may, however, be the first cut of the Master Surgeon’s scalpel as God starts the work of restoring health.

We are going to look at four commitments that need to be made. These are commitments of your energy, passion, interest and attitude. These commitments work together to instill commitment and maybe even spark a little sizzle in your relationship.

Commitment # 1: Make A Commitment To A Long-term, Growing Marriage

This first commitment to rekindling some sizzle in your marriage seems obvious but it is often overlooked. Notice that I have used two adjectives to modify the noun marriage. It is not just long-term. You can be long-term roommates. Adding the idea of growing indicates there is something going on. There is movement toward the fulfillment of the dream started when you said, “I do.” This is the first and most important commitment for developing a marriage that is healthy, growing and fulfilling.

I enjoy the segment Paul Harvey includes on his radio show called The Tournament of Roses. He congratulates the couple with the longest of long-term marriages. It’s no longer unusual for those marriages to be 65, 70, 75 and even 80 years. Have you and your mate ever talked about what you would like for your marriage to look like after 65 years? Let me provide you with some starter statements.

·         We want to be emotionally intimate, physically intimate, intellectually intimate and spiritually intimate.

·         We want to hold hands and be touchy-feely with each other as we walk around the lake—while sharing hits off our oxygen tanks!

·         We want to have a oneness of indescribable depth.

Would you like a relationship like that? I think we all would. Why? We want that because that’s the way it’s supposed to be. God designed us so that this relationship would be the most important relationship we have on earth. We are created in the image of God. He gave us the desire and the ability to have relationships. He gave us what we can call The Oneness Factor. This strikes a chord in us because that’s the way God made us.

In answering a question about divorce meant to trap Him, Jesus identified the importance of the Oneness Factor in God’s design for marriage.

Jesus answered, "Surely you have read in the Scriptures: When God made the world, 'he made them male and female.' And God said, 'So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.' So there are not two, but one. God has joined the two together, so no one should separate them." Matthew 19:4-6 NCV

The passage is packed with oneness.

·         The man will leave his father and mother

·         The man will be united with his wife

·         The two will become one body

In His answer, Jesus goes back to the creation account in Genesis 2. In that account after Adam sees Eve he says,

"Now, this is someone whose bones came from my bones, whose body came from my body. I will call her 'woman,' because she was taken out of man."

                                                                                                Genesis 2:23 NCV

We lose a lot in our English translation. Adam looks at Eve and he says, “Wow!” There is wonder. There is passion. This is The Oneness Factor.

In God’s design for marriage your spouse completes you. God’s math says marriage is a matter of 1+1=1. Without your spouse you are less than whole. It only makes sense then to treat your spouse like the special gift from God he or she is. When marriage starts breaking down we can convince ourselves that the problem is, “I must have married the wrong person.” Listen! You don’t need a new spouse; you need a new attitude. Many of us are like that. We don’t need a new spouse; we need a new attitude. That’s at the core of a long-term commitment to a growing marriage.

When was the last time you thanked God for your spouse? I mean, you really thanked God and told Him specifically what you appreciate about him or her.

When it comes to this commitment, if nothing changes in your marriage, will it decline, maintain or grow?

Commitment # 2: Make A Commitment To Serve Your Spouse

In doing weddings I ask the couple to select passages upon which they want to build their marriage. The series of instructions in Romans 12 are often selected. Among them is this instruction.

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

                                                                                                Romans 12:10 NLT

I don’t remember too much about our premarital counseling. I do remember the advice that the physical relationship isn’t automatic. It starts in the morning and continues through the day in how you treat your spouse. I also remember that you come out ahead when you honor your spouse by serving them and meeting their needs.

The truth is that in any relationship selfishness kills. Another passage often selected by couples is from Philippians 2.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than your self. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.     Philippians 2:1-5 NIV

I’d like to conduct a quick survey. How many of you struggle with selfishness? I do. I don’t want to be selfish, but I am. It’s a constant battle. Will I please myself or will I please others? I want to serve but there are times I hang back. I can carry that reluctance into my marriage. It’s not that I don’t love my wife, but you know there are times I would rather not get up out of my chair right now.

In the last 24 hours what opportunities have you had to serve that you have either missed or you simply didn’t want to do?

Maybe the light was left on in the closet. She could have turned it off. She should have turned it off. She was the last one in there. How do you handle it? Do you point it out for her to do? Do you get up and turn off the light without calling attention to the fact you have done so? Or, do you make a melodrama out of your sacrifice? Do you relate to this at all?

You may be all right with the idea of serving your spouse but wonder how long this needs to last. Listen again to Paul.

Pay all your debts except the debt of love for others—never finish paying that!                                                                                                                             Romans 13:8 LB

You answered the question how long when you said, “I do.” You agreed to do so until you are parted by death. Here’s a good formula: the greater your love; the greater your desire to serve.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.                                                            1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

How do we love like this? One way is to be keenly aware of the needs of your spouse so you don’t miss the opportunities to love by serving. Guys, I want to give you a homework assignment. This week write down the five emotional needs you think your wife has. Then, put them in a visible place where you will see them often and ask yourself, “How am I doing?” Wives, how many of your husbands just wrote the assignment down? I’m a guy. I know they didn’t—at least most of them didn’t. So, guys write down these five needs your wife has.

1.      Affection (the woman’s idea of affection and not yours; hugging and not groping)

2.      Conversation (where you actually listen and respond)

3.      Honesty

4.      Financial Support

5.      Family Commitment

Now that you have written them down, think on these things. How are you doing?

Wives, to be fair you should also write down the five greatest needs of your husband.

1.      Sex

2.      Oxygen (and maybe some food)

3.      Sports Center (for a little variety)

4.      Physical Interaction (in case you missed #1)

5.      Remote Controls (the more the better)

Some of you are thinking, “I’m not going to meet my spouse’s needs until they start meeting some of my needs.” Do you know what that’s called? Selfishness! People who don’t understand the Oneness Factor stubbornly insist of their rights being met. There is a choice to be made between what we think our rights are and what the Bible tells us our responsibilities are. Marriage isn’t about demanding rights. It’s about fulfilling your God-given responsibilities through loving service.

When it comes to your marriage if nothing changes in the commitment to serve our spouse will your marriage decline, maintain or grow?

Commitment # 3: Make A Commitment To Shatter Routine

It’s easy to fall into a routine. We need a routine to live with some degree of order. When the routine starts turning into a rut, however, it’s time to take some preventative steps. The spontaneity and excitement of dating can turn into the predictability and boredom of marriage. Check it out the next time you’re at a restaurant. Watch the reactions of the couples and then check to see whether or not they are married. Hopefully you will find some married couples enjoying their evening. The writer of Ecclesiastes encourages you husbands to…

Enjoy life with your wife…                                                      Ecclesiastes 9:9 NIV

Somewhere along the way we displace Adam’s “Wow” and replace it with “Humph.” That’s the security of routine that has turned into the boredom of the rut. Once in a while it’s important to have some fun—to enjoy life. Here’s some help to do just that.

E – Encourage

Encourage each other every day. Find something to say that will build your spouse up. People ache for encouragement. We need to know that we would actually be missed if we weren’t around. Make the effort to let the other person know that. If that seems impossible, ask God to give you His eyes so you can see your spouse in a different way.

N – New

Take the Perkins’s approach to life and try to find something fresh and new. Start small. Try getting out of bed a different way. That will start you thinking, “What could I do for my spouse today?” The fact is we may have to be trained to think this way.

J – Just Touch

This one is definitely male oriented. Physical contact just for that contact (not leading to anything else) is important. It can be done. Do some of the things you did while dating: hold hands, wrap your arm around her while you’re walking, or give her a hug. It can be done.

O – Offer To Do

Offer to do something for the other person without expecting a medal ceremony to be held acknowledging your tremendous sacrifice.

Y – Yes

When you spouse suggests doing something new, say yes. It could be tempting this week if your spouse actually takes this to heart and decides to try something to say, “You’re only doing this because of the sermon last Sunday.” Instead of pouring cold water on the effort, fan the flame by saying, “Yes.”

The routine can be shattered. It needs to be shattered because the next step after routine is roommates.

When it comes to the commitment of shattering the routine if nothing changes will your marriage decline, maintain or grow?

Commitment # 4: Make A Commitment To Put God First

This is the foundation upon which you build life as a person and as a couple. When each member of family commits to giving God first place the others benefit in huge ways. Christian marriage is a three-way commitment that is often pictured as a triangle. God is at the top point of the triangle with the husband and wife being at either end of the base. When we move closer to God the distance between us as husband and wife lessens. When we move away from God it increases. So, the way to grow closer to one another is by moving closer to God. The fullest potential of marriage will never be realized until both husband and wife are rightly related to God. The Bible says,

But if we live in the light, as God does, we share in life with each other.

                                                                                                1 John 1:7 CEV

The key to fellowship and joy is living in the presence of God. If I am pursuing my relationship with God desiring to be a man of God and Judi is pursuing her relationship with God wanting to be a woman of God, we are going to be couple joined together by God. There is something spiritually that brings us together. It’s something no book or seminar or tape series or sermon can do. 

I’m not saying you can’t have a good marriage without Christ being first, but it’s not going to be as good as could be. Christ adds a whole new dimension.

See if this comparison helps. A marriage where Christ doesn’t have first place is like the 5” black-and-white TV I have in my office that depends on a single antennae for reception. I can get a picture sometimes but it looks like a snowy day and it’s really small. The marriage where Christ has first place is like the 60” HDTV my parents have with the satellite receiver. It really rocks! Both get a picture but the one is richer, fuller, sharper and better.

Which kind of marriage do you want?

An often asked question here is, “What happens if my spouse isn’t a Christian?” I can tell you better what not to do. You don’t need to preach. You don’t need to wear Christian t-shirts. You don’t need to keep the radio tuned to the Bible Answer man. What you can do is let the light shine naturally. Be gentle. Be caring. Be loving. Be like Jesus. Let His beauty shine through you and give the Holy Spirit opportunity to work.

When it comes to this commitment if nothing changes, will your marriage decline, maintain or grow?

Once you have your answers to all four commitments you will know where you need to focus.

Conclusion: The Heavenly Jeweler

We’ve been talking today about what makes love special. If you have never allowed God to make His love special to you, my question is, “What’s keeping you from saying yes to a life-changing relationship with God?” His love for you is unconditional. He loves you and is ready to forgive you no matter what. If you’ve never said yes to God, I encourage you to say it today.

Saying yes to God, leaves you open to make a commitment to your spouse for the good of your marriage. Review the four commitments…

1.      To A Long-term Growing Marriage

2.      To Serve Your Spouse

3.      To Shatter Routine

4.      To Put God First

If nothing changes in your marriage is it going to decline, maintain or grow? What would you like it to do?

Wedding rings are given as a sign of the commitment made between a husband and wife. Over time the rings become tarnished, scratched and in need of attention. (In my case I just lost them). The ring is taken to the jeweler who polishes and restores the original luster of the ring. This morning has been a visit to the heavenly Jeweler. God wants to make your marriage sparkle. God can make it sparkle. He wants to polish you up so you can rediscover the sparkle in the person who may have started to seem too familiar. You can rediscover just how beautiful life is with the person you knew you never wanted to live without.